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Relationship Advice Thread


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10 hours ago, Jack Parkman said:

Ok so I want some advice about this, especially from women if possible(I know there aren't a lot on here, but there are a few) 

Anyway, I've been trying to do online dating for about a year now, but nobody responds to me. I'm open about being on the spectrum, because I live at home at age 32 and it is hard to explain that to a date in their 30s otherwise. I have thought about dating in my friend group's age range, but I don't feel like I have as much in in common with regard to shared life experiences with people in their mid to late 20s as I do with people in their early or mid 30s, when it comes to what I want in a partner. 

I had one serious relationship with a woman on the spectrum. It ended horribly, due to spectrum related issues (not communicating/miscommunication, misunderstanding personal space, etc.) I learned a lot from it,(most notably what I want in a partner) and also learned that she wasn't the right person for me. I probably don't want to date another woman on the spectrum again. Communication is really important to a healthy relationship and when both people struggle in that regard it makes understanding each other nearly impossible. This was the only SO I have ever had btw. 

I absolutely do not want kids ever. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own responsibilities, and I don't need anymore complications. Not to mention that there is a strong genetic component to autism and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. 

My questions are: 

1) Should I be up front about my autism, living situation, etc?

2) If the answer to 1) is no, then when is it appropriate to share that info? 

3) How should I approach sending a message to someone I'm interested in? 

Thanks for your help,

Parkman
 

 

Im not a woman, but I would say that you shouldnt be so upfront about anything that could be seen as negative or problematic to a potential partner. So to answer your questions.

1) I would not say your autistic or live with your parents. Normal people lie, exaggerate online constantly. They put up their BEST picture, even if it is from 20 years ago. They use fake pictures, they say things that arent true whatever. No I wouldnt say go that far, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward. If you met a girl at a bar, the first thing out of your mouth hopefully wouldnt be a list of anything that could be seen as negative, so why would it be on your dating profile? 

2) When you feel comfortable. You dont even have to do it on the first date. Let the person like you, then you can tell them.

3) There is no right answer here. In general people like talking about themselves. I would say read their profile and write something about what interests them. There is no absolute formula. 

Be yourself, but dont sink your chances before you get a shot. 

As for your friends. I would say you should never count someone out because of age difference. When I first met the person I am with, I said I would never date someone that young (we are 8-9 years apart depending on which of our birthday's has happened.) That was over 4 years ago. Yes sometimes its funny that she has no idea about anything from the 80s, but so what. Youre 32 years old, late 25+ is perfectly okay. If you are limiting opportunities by age, your just making it harder on yourself. 

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6 minutes ago, Soxbadger said:

 

Im not a woman, but I would say that you shouldnt be so upfront about anything that could be seen as negative or problematic to a potential partner. So to answer your questions.

1) I would not say your autistic or live with your parents. Normal people lie, exaggerate online constantly. They put up their BEST picture, even if it is from 20 years ago. They use fake pictures, they say things that arent true whatever. No I wouldnt say go that far, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward. If you met a girl at a bar, the first thing out of your mouth hopefully wouldnt be a list of anything that could be seen as negative, so why would it be on your dating profile? 

2) When you feel comfortable. You dont even have to do it on the first date. Let the person like you, then you can tell them.

3) There is no right answer here. In general people like talking about themselves. I would say read their profile and write something about what interests them. There is no absolute formula. 

Be yourself, but dont sink your chances before you get a shot. 

As for your friends. I would say you should never count someone out because of age difference. When I first met the person I am with, I said I would never date someone that young (we are 8-9 years apart depending on which of our birthday's has happened.) That was over 4 years ago. Yes sometimes its funny that she has no idea about anything from the 80s, but so what. Youre 32 years old, late 25+ is perfectly okay. If you are limiting opportunities by age, your just making it harder on yourself. 

I don't like to hide it. It makes me completely anxious if the person doesn't know ahead of time. I'd be too quiet and unable to be myself if it was unknown up front. Maybe I'll delete that stuff from my profile, but...I'd want my date to know, at the very least about my autism, before a first date via communication. 

Edited by Jack Parkman
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3 minutes ago, Jack Parkman said:

I don't like to hide it. It makes me completely anxious if the person doesn't know ahead of time. I'd be too quiet and unable to be myself if it was unknown up front. Maybe I'll delete that stuff from my profile, but...I'd want my date to know, at the very least about my autism, before a first date via communication. 

The way I would look at it is this.

Let someone meet you and draw their own conclusions. If you feel it is necessary to tell them, then by all means do it. But online, your profile is one of thousands. You are competing against other people who are not only omitting negative information, but also saying things to make themselves look more attractive.

I wont say go out there and lie, but put your best foot forward. Give yourself a chance. 

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4 minutes ago, Soxbadger said:

The way I would look at it is this.

Let someone meet you and draw their own conclusions. If you feel it is necessary to tell them, then by all means do it. But online, your profile is one of thousands. You are competing against other people who are not only omitting negative information, but also saying things to make themselves look more attractive.

I wont say go out there and lie, but put your best foot forward. Give yourself a chance. 

To be honest I don't think it is fair to my potential dates to not tell them. There is some baggage with this stuff, and if someone knows about it and still wants to go on a date with me that is a good sign. At that point, I'd feel a hell of a lot better about everything than if I was trying to hide it. At that point, I know their heart is in a good place. 

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1 minute ago, Jack Parkman said:

To be honest I don't think it is fair to my potential dates to not tell them. There is some baggage with this stuff, and if someone knows about it and still wants to go on a date with me that is a good sign. At that point, I'd feel a hell of a lot better about everything than if I was trying to hide it. At that point, I know their heart is in a good place. 

If you met a girl in public. Would the first thing you told her be that you have autism?

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15 minutes ago, Soxbadger said:

If you met a girl in public. Would the first thing you told her be that you have autism?

Never met a girl in public. Every female I've ever met/felt comfortable talking to was either a friend or cousin's gf or I was introduced by my friends. I honestly don't know how I'd answer that because I've never done so. I'm so inexperienced it isn't funny. I'd probably have to because I couldn't have the gumption to be myself otherwise. I just give that weird vibe, you know? Since I was in my mid-20s I've never met anyone, male or female without telling them about it almost immediately. It is almost a necessary thing because I break social norms so regularly. It is important because people have to tell me what they will or will not put up with. I have almost zero concept of social boundaries, so it is important to start there. I can be really grating to be around regularly. 

Edited by Jack Parkman
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4 minutes ago, Jack Parkman said:

Yes. Otherwise I couldn't talk to her. 

 

Just now, Jack Parkman said:

Never met a girl in public. Every female I've ever met/felt comfortable talking to was either a friend or cousin's gf or I was introduced by my friends. I honestly don't know how I'd answer that because I've never done so. I'm so inexperienced it isn't funny. 

 

A lot of people are inexperienced, awkward, etc and they dont have a condition, so I cant imagine the difficulty you must be facing. The best advice I can give is to be yourself.

All I can say is that online dating is rough under the best circumstances. I understand why you want to be honest and upfront, but unfortunately (imo) that is just making it even more difficult. 

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55 minutes ago, Soxbadger said:

 

 

A lot of people are inexperienced, awkward, etc and they dont have a condition, so I cant imagine the difficulty you must be facing. The best advice I can give is to be yourself.

All I can say is that online dating is rough under the best circumstances. I understand why you want to be honest and upfront, but unfortunately (imo) that is just making it even more difficult. 

Go read my edit, without knowledge by the other person of my condition it makes social interaction nearly impossible. There has to be rules that the other person lays out immediately, and they have to be willing to be patient enough with me breaking them on occasion while I learn their rules. It is a huge problem. This is why I don't talk to women, lol. I can't imagine anyone putting up with my shit. I've had a ton of issues maintaining friendships(regardless of gender) until I started this approach. 

In any event, It is the most comfortable way for me to put myself out there, and if this is a waste of time I guess I'm doomed to be single for eternity lol. 

Here's an article that explains how autism causes confusion with regard to social boundaries: 

https://everydayaspie.wordpress.com/2016/05/05/why-boundaries-are-difficult-autism/

Edited by Jack Parkman
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10 hours ago, Jack Parkman said:

Go read my edit, without knowledge by the other person of my condition it makes social interaction nearly impossible. There has to be rules that the other person lays out immediately, and they have to be willing to be patient enough with me breaking them on occasion while I learn their rules. It is a huge problem. This is why I don't talk to women, lol. I can't imagine anyone putting up with my shit. I've had a ton of issues maintaining friendships(regardless of gender) until I started this approach. 

In any event, It is the most comfortable way for me to put myself out there, and if this is a waste of time I guess I'm doomed to be single for eternity lol. 

Here's an article that explains how autism causes confusion with regard to social boundaries: 

https://everydayaspie.wordpress.com/2016/05/05/why-boundaries-are-difficult-autism/

Jack, what website do you use? I met my wife on Match.com. Lots of nice women are on there and actually want to date. Write your profile about you and write some messages (focusing exclusively on her interests and ask a question), get into some conversations and see what happens. Don’t let your autism stop you, I had a roommate with Asperger’s and he got married. 

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38 minutes ago, The Beast said:

Jack, what website do you use? I met my wife on Match.com. Lots of nice women are on there and actually want to date. Write your profile about you and write some messages (focusing exclusively on her interests and ask a question), get into some conversations and see what happens. Don’t let your autism stop you, I had a roommate with Asperger’s and he got married. 

That is the one I use

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4 minutes ago, The Beast said:

What have you written about in your profile, do you have recent pictures of you and have you emailed some ladies on the site?

I'm just out there. I talk about all of the things I like to do, what I'm looking for, and  make a brief mention about having autism, mostly because I think it isn't fair not to mention it. 

Yeah I've emailed a few ladies but no response yet. 

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8 minutes ago, Jack Parkman said:

I'm just out there. I talk about all of the things I like to do, what I'm looking for, and  make a brief mention about having autism, mostly because I think it isn't fair not to mention it. 

Yeah I've emailed a few ladies but no response yet. 

What do you write about what you are looking for?

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4 hours ago, Jack Parkman said:

No smokers no kids(ever) and someone with a dark, twisted sense of humor and loves either sports or the outdoors. 

Seems reasonable. Give it some time, it took me two years off and on the site and several dates to find the right one.

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On 1/16/2019 at 10:07 AM, Jack Parkman said:

I don't like to hide it. It makes me completely anxious if the person doesn't know ahead of time. I'd be too quiet and unable to be myself if it was unknown up front. Maybe I'll delete that stuff from my profile, but...I'd want my date to know, at the very least about my autism, before a first date via communication. 

Jack, as someone who has met you, I would not put that you’re autistic in your profile.  I would also try not to make a big deal out of it on a date either.  Bring it up casually if need be but play it off a mild autism.  If you let it define you, it’s going to scare people before they actually get a chance to know you.

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On 1/17/2019 at 7:58 AM, Jack Parkman said:

No smokers no kids(ever) and someone with a dark, twisted sense of humor and loves either sports or the outdoors. 

The "no kids, ever" thing probably lowers your chances significantly. Not saying to omit that, it's certainly something anyone should want to know, but don't be too discouraged online because that's already drastically reducing your prospective pool anyway.

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It's kind of funny going back and reading through the past girls that I've talked about in here. The reason I am reminded of this is because I just found out that one of my exes is pregnant. That makes both my last 2 exes to get pregnant by random guys that they weren't dating. Yikes. I feel so bad for both of them, especially this latest one because she was very likely a virgin when he knocked her up (or at least was her first). 

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is a really shitty story for me and I am really freaking out about it. Personal... but what the hell I've known alot of you through here since I was 17.

This girl and I have only a "platonic" relationship. She barely knows anything about me and vice versa. Well 7 weeks ago I was drunk and I trusted her when she told me she was on birth control. Obviously I know that it's not guaranteed but nothing happened prior so I gave it a shot again.. unprotected. I rarely do it, but I have in the past every blue moon and so far so good. Yes I know I realize this was a stupid, rookie mistake. Well... she just told me she's 7 weeks pregnant right in line with the day. We talked previously about abortion since neither of us want kids (her parents are also for it) but now she's having mixed feelings which is understandable with her hormones right now. 

She doesn't know where I live, where I work and even what my last name is. But... I have a guilty conscience to not just forget about it in the back of my mind if say... she keeps it. Guys... what should I do? I do not want a kid at all and at first she didn't. But now being so undecided has me freaking out plus she said the different methods of abortion she is allergic to (the anesthesia for surgery and something in the pill). Can't eat, can't sleep and haven't told anyone but one of my best friends about it. I just need a piece of mind about this one way or the other. 

Edited by SoxAce
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11 minutes ago, SoxAce said:

This is a really shitty story for me and I am really freaking out about it. Personal... but what the hell I've known alot of you through here since I was 17.

This girl and I have only a "platonic" relationship. She barely knows anything about me and vice versa. Well 7 weeks ago I was drunk and I trusted her when she told me she was on birth control. Obviously I know that it's not guaranteed but nothing happened prior so I gave it a shot again.. unprotected. I rarely do it, but I have in the past every blue moon and so far so good. Yes I know I realize this was a stupid, rookie mistake. Well... she just told me she's 7 weeks pregnant right in line with the day. We talked previously about abortion since neither of us want kids (her parents are also for it) but now she's having mixed feelings which is understandable with her hormones right now. 

She doesn't know where I live, where I work and even what my last name is. But... I have a guilty conscience to not just forget about it in the back of my mind if say... she keeps it. Guys... what should I do? I do not want a kid at all and at first she didn't. But now being so undecided has me freaking out plus she said the different methods of abortion she is allergic to (the anesthesia for surgery and something in the pill). Can't eat, can't sleep and haven't told anyone but one of my best friends about it. I just need a piece of mind about this one way or the other. 

Well, I'll skip the lecture about the "I'm sure it will be fine, I haven't gotten anyone knocked up yet!" attitude you had and skip straight to the idea of abortion.

I think you should absolutely keep firm that you want her to have an abortion, and as much as it is her decision, it's also your life too, and you really don't have an option to just walk away, both legally and emotionally (assuming you're a normal rational person). The longer she waits, the less likely she is going to want to do it and the more guilty she might feel about it since it sounds like she currently has some guilt about it. It's obviously easier for you, and especially me, to say, but obviously don't bully her in to it either. It's not an easy decision, but it sounds like you and her parents and her at least at one point felt like it was the right decision, so I would keep going down that path, especially since you guys seem to barely even know each other.

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6 minutes ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

I think you should absolutely keep firm that you want her to have an abortion, and as much as it is her decision, it's also your life too, and you really don't have an option to just walk away, both legally and emotionally (assuming you're a normal rational person). The longer she waits, the less likely she is going to want to do it and the more guilty she might feel about it since it sounds like she currently has some guilt about it. It's obviously easier for you, and especially me, to say, but obviously don't bully her in to it either. It's not an easy decision, but it sounds like you and her parents and her at least at one point felt like it was the right decision, so I would keep going down that path, especially since you guys seem to barely even know each other.

Thanks Joe. The crazy part about it is an old friend of mine did this to a girl that I knew in elementary school (they met in high school) and when he did it, he completely left her and to this day has never made an attempt since when you ask him.. he'll tell you he doesn't have any kids and here she is not giving a damn about him either and raising her kid. And back then I never understood his position on why he did that when they at least were dating.... now I know he wasn't ready at all. It just sucks that one dumb decision can be a complete 180 on my life.

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1 hour ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

And as a Plan B (no pun intended), at least talk to her about adoption. That might at least be a good compromise for the two of you, and one that shouldn't leave anyone feeling guilty. But I wouldn't really bring up adoption until she is completely past the idea of an abortion.

I would agree this is the best route. Stick to the first decision as long ss possible, if it doesn't happen discuss the adoption. You can't force it either esppecially in light of the type of relationship here.

The big question to ask is did she change her mind about the abortion because she wants to raise the kid or just because she doesn't like the idea of the procedure. That will Safeway into the adoption talk.

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Well after talking it over, she's firm that she wants to keep it but she wants nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with her (we borderline hate each other). She doesn't know where I live, where I work, last name, etc and she said she wants to go to court with me to give up my parental rights which I'm all for. Do you guys think this is the right approach? Should I change my number (which I'm probably going to do) so she can't track me through that just in case? 

I also wanna thank a couple of posters who have PM'd me through this ordeal. You know who you are and it meant so much to me. Thanks guys. 

Edited by SoxAce
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