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Relationship Advice Thread

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4 minutes ago, greg775 said:

What happened at your Wednesday meeting? The key is how YOU feel about having a child. She made it clear that she doesn't want you involved at all. If you can live with that, and letting your child be raised by others, it seems cut and dried. Someday perhaps the child will want to meet you and you can decide if you want that. In the interim, if you don't really want to help raise your child (or would be OK with mom and her family raising the child without you), it seems cut and dried. I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer because at some point mom might want you to foot half the bill. As we all know, it's expensive to raise a human being (food, clothing, shelter, medical). Best wishes. Glad u are seeing an attorney and talking to badger. Only you can decide how you will handle this. Nobody can tell you what to do. 

BTW, will you tell your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends bout this?

This is really the person he ought to talk to. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll have good advice.

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42 minutes ago, The Sir said:

I’m gonna sound like a dinosaur, but whatever. Men don’t just leave things up to fate. My wife is beautiful and my kids rock; if I simply walked out, they’d probably find someone else. Yet it’d be a total and unforgivable abdication of my duties as a man (as an aside, I’d rather be dead than be without my family). That kid isn’t some other man’s responsibility. He/she is his.

We never heard why they hate each other. I won’t speculate. Maybe it’s an absolute and unchanging no from this woman, but I feel like he should try. He could send gifts or checks to show support. He could write letters to his child to let the kid know that he thinks about him/her. It’d be much better than just hiding from this and acting like it never happened.

You're going to compare leaving your wife and kids to someone who was a sperm donor to a stranger and was asked to stay out of their lives before the kid was even born yet? What?!?!?!

Maybe the child won't want to be contacted by a stranger, who did nothing but donate sperm. He can write notes to the child, that's great, but he should keep them to himself until he is either approached by the mom or the child, and then show the kid evidence that he never forgot about them. But that's not really his call and it would be selfish to interject his life in to theirs when he was asked not to.

My sister-in-law has a sperm donor father. She was raised from an infant by her mom's new man. She considers HIM her dad and it's the only dad she's ever known. She refers to her biological dad as "the sperm donor" and thinks it's weird and a bit creepy when he comments on her FB and Instagram posts about his biological grandchildren. That's as much interaction as she allows, and could care less about him.

Just because SoxAce will have a biological child doesn't mean that the kid will even know he exists or even WANT him to contact him or her and try to interject themselves in to his or her life when convenient.

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1 hour ago, pettie4sox said:

I can’t help to feel the sir’s comments are still digs at soxace...  

Meh, at least they are a lot more toned down and less aggressive. I don't think his opinion on the subject is out there crazy, but I do disagree with it and I think it's a more outdated approach.

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If he voluntarily started sending money, that would set a precedent in terms of support and be difficult to escape.  Seems that is one of the overriding concerns here.

I know what the "old school" response would be from my dad, were he still around, but that era of personal responsibility and duty died off somewhere in the 80s or 90s.

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8 hours ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

You're going to compare leaving your wife and kids to someone who was a sperm donor to a stranger and was asked to stay out of their lives before the kid was even born yet? What?!?!?!

Maybe the child won't want to be contacted by a stranger, who did nothing but donate sperm. He can write notes to the child, that's great, but he should keep them to himself until he is either approached by the mom or the child, and then show the kid evidence that he never forgot about them. But that's not really his call and it would be selfish to interject his life in to theirs when he was asked not to.

My sister-in-law has a sperm donor father. She was raised from an infant by her mom's new man. She considers HIM her dad and it's the only dad she's ever known. She refers to her biological dad as "the sperm donor" and thinks it's weird and a bit creepy when he comments on her FB and Instagram posts about his biological grandchildren. That's as much interaction as she allows, and could care less about him.

Just because SoxAce will have a biological child doesn't mean that the kid will even know he exists or even WANT him to contact him or her and try to interject themselves in to his or her life when convenient.

It wasn't the best analogy, but my point was to reinforce my rejection of the idea of leaving it to someone else. Sure, this girl could find someone else and the kid could end up with an awesome father figure, but it should be him. Just like your sister-in-law. I'm happy that she was well taken care of, but without knowing all the details, why did the sperm donor abdicate? It might have worked out in the end, but he, and he alone, should not have allowed that to happen. Additionally, given the idea that he comments on her social media, I'd guess he ultimately regrets his lack of a role in her life.

Part of my advice to SoxAce is intended to avoid that result for him. If, 20 years from now, he finds himself thinking about his offspring like your SIL's dad and like my wife's birth dad, I hope he'll have done enough to avoid scorn and suspicion from him/her, and the pain that would come along with it.

8 hours ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

Man, you are old school, huh?

And proud of it! 😉

8 hours ago, pettie4sox said:

I can’t help to feel the sir’s comments are still digs at soxace...  

They're not intended that way.

58 minutes ago, caulfield12 said:

If he voluntarily started sending money, that would set a precedent in terms of support and be difficult to escape.  Seems that is one of the overriding concerns here.

I know what the "old school" response would be from my dad, were he still around, but that era of personal responsibility and duty died off somewhere in the 80s or 90s.

Didn't think about part one. Probably a fair question as to whether that would inadvertently set up anything legally binding.

Part two makes me sad. 

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Of course everyone has their own opinion on what's right or wrong based on their experiences so I'll just throw this out there. Just within the last 10 years or so my dad has found out that he has 2 half-sisters. We had long suspected this because my grandpa was a bit of a man-whore and was married 7 times to 5 different women.

One found us a little while back and we've met her and her family a couple of times. One just recently found us within the last year. I've never met her in person but from seeing her pictures on Facebook, she shares a startling resemblance (as well as a last name) with one of my other aunts. It's kinda cool to realize that you have other relatives out there and to learn more about your family history.

I've never been in the situation personally but I think it would just be better to at least know your biological parents and be given the choice of whether or want them in your life or not. 

I don't know all the legalities of it but I don't think a mother can prevent a father from being in his child's life if he really wishes to be. 

Edited by Iwritecode
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20 hours ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

You're going to compare leaving your wife and kids to someone who was a sperm donor to a stranger and was asked to stay out of their lives before the kid was even born yet? What?!?!?!

Maybe the child won't want to be contacted by a stranger, who did nothing but donate sperm. He can write notes to the child, that's great, but he should keep them to himself until he is either approached by the mom or the child, and then show the kid evidence that he never forgot about them. But that's not really his call and it would be selfish to interject his life in to theirs when he was asked not to.

 My sister-in-law has a sperm donor father. She was raised from an infant by her mom's new man. She considers HIM her dad and it's the only dad she's ever known. She refers to her biological dad as "the sperm donor" and thinks it's weird and a bit creepy when he comments on her FB and Instagram posts about his biological grandchildren. That's as much interaction as she allows, and could care less about him.

 Just because SoxAce will have a biological child doesn't mean that the kid will even know he exists or even WANT him to contact him or her and try to interject themselves in to his or her life when convenient.

Chili u are a wise man IMO. You are Dr. Phil personified. I like your commentary.

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1 hour ago, greg775 said:

Chili u are a wise man IMO. You are Dr. Phil personified. I like your commentary.

One, I think Dr. Phil is actually Dr. Phil personified.

Two, this is a...compliment?

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3 hours ago, The Sir said:

One, I think Dr. Phil is actually Dr. Phil personified.

Two, this is a...compliment?

Sure. I value Chili. I appreciate Chili.

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Update: 

Ok guys, I took your advice and removed anything relating to being on the spectrum from my dating profile. I've actually mustered up the guts to email a few ladies on a two different sites, but.....No dice. Still wondering what I could do differently. 

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5 hours ago, Jack Parkman said:

Update: 

Ok guys, I took your advice and removed anything relating to being on the spectrum from my dating profile. I've actually mustered up the guts to email a few ladies on a two different sites, but.....No dice. Still wondering what I could do differently. 

Patience man.  Dating is a grind and sometimes you just need the right timing to succeed.

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12 hours ago, pettie4sox said:

Patience man.  Dating is a grind and sometimes you just need the right timing to succeed.

.....don't ask Rick Hahn for any tips on getting the timing right

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UPDATE: She miscarried. Feel bad all in all, but lesson learned from me personally forever.

Edited by SoxAce
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3 hours ago, SoxAce said:

UPDATE: She miscarried. Feel bad all in all, but lesson learned from me personally forever.

Damn. That's very sad. Hope everybody is OK physically and mentally. Take care.

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5 hours ago, SoxAce said:

UPDATE: She miscarried. Feel bad all in all, but lesson learned from me personally forever.

Idk if this is appropriate, but this is probably the best scenario for all involved, even though this chick will probably be scarred for life emotionally from the ordeal. 

On a bit of personal advice, if you're not planning on having kids or being in a long-term relationship, I'd consider a vasectomy. No reason to continue shooting a loaded gun. 

If I ever get to that point with a SO, I'm going to do it. 

Edited by Jack Parkman
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As an aside, if you have no intentions of ever having a child, maybe you want to consider the snip so you never have to trust that the girl is being honest or that the birth control doesn't fail

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1 hour ago, Kyyle23 said:

As an aside, if you have no intentions of ever having a child, maybe you want to consider the snip so you never have to trust that the girl is being honest or that the birth control doesn't fail

While I agree, you might want to freeze some swimmers just in case you ever change your mind. You are young enough that there is plenty of time to reverse your opinion on having kids.

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2 minutes ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

While I agree, you might want to freeze some swimmers just in case you ever change your mind. You are young enough that there is plenty of time to reverse your opinion on having kids.

Nothing wrong with that either.  Just remove the responsibility from the other party when it comes to being safe.

 

 

and maybe hook up with someone you like lmao

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On 2/27/2019 at 7:02 PM, SoxAce said:

UPDATE: She miscarried. Feel bad all in all, but lesson learned from me personally forever.

Good, that's what life is all about.  Learning from your mistakes and not committing them again.

Wrap your shit up son.

Edited by pettie4sox
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On 2/28/2019 at 7:18 AM, Kyyle23 said:

Nothing wrong with that either.  Just remove the responsibility from the other party when it comes to being safe.

 

 

and maybe hook up with someone you like lmao

Could not have said this any better.  Still trying to figure out where SoxAce's head was at... 😛

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