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Relationship Advice Thread

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I agree with Kyle...be careful. As I said earlier, don't do something in the short term because it feels good if you know or believe it can really hurt you in the long term. You've got to be strong, my brother.

 

That being said, people do make mistakes in judgment and do change their minds. If things continue to go how they currently are, I would damn well ask her what happened to wanting to date this douchebag? Did he turn her down? Or did she just change her mind? What happened? You have every right to ask, but don't give her the third degree about it (Did you sleep with him!?!?). Just ask her why her story has changed and then make another informed decision.

 

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I don't know, it doesn't feel that way right now. It seems like the thing she has for the other guy is just a simple crush and I don't know if she's actually going to pursue a relationship, but I like to put rose colored glasses on in a situation like this. It's been good for now and her influence has actually been good for me too, so we'll just see where it goes. And like I have said before, I don't know if that guy actually has feelings for her.

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QUOTE (iamshack @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 11:29 AM)
I agree with Kyle...be careful. As I said earlier, don't do something in the short term because it feels good if you know or believe it can really hurt you in the long term. You've got to be strong, my brother.

 

That being said, people do make mistakes in judgment and do change their minds. If things continue to go how they currently are, I would damn well ask her what happened to wanting to date this douchebag? Did he turn her down? Or did she just change her mind? What happened? You have every right to ask, but don't give her the third degree about it (Did you sleep with him!?!?). Just ask her why her story has changed and then make another informed decision.

 

As of right now, her story has changed because I have shown I can change. We've even gotten back to using the "L" word again, and I've seen the glimmer in her eyes again. Time will tell, but it feels right.

 

My goal right now is just to be as open and honest with her as I can, and I'm really not holding back any feelings at all. My understanding is that going into the semester, she just wanted to slowly grow apart and then go our separate ways, but due to being honest with everything I think I'm slowly starting to change her mind. I guess I'll see in about 2 and a half months where we're at, but it feels like its moving in the right direction right now.

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I dont know Blake. Be very careful with this and like shack said ask her what the f*** was that about. You were with this girl for two years and she came out of nowhere trying to get with this other guy and now you are just back together like nothing happened? She shouldnt think she can just waltz back in like you will just take her back waiting for her even if thats exactly what you were doing.

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Right.

 

And what is happening is right now this outcome is perfectly acceptable to you, because in your current mindset, it is so much better than the two of you parting ways. But when you become accustomed to things being back to normal, you will want to know what the hell this stunt she just pulled was. And at that point, she'll say "It was nothing." And then you'll press her about it, because it will be gnawing at you. Then an argument will ensue.

 

 

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QUOTE (witesoxfan @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 01:10 PM)
And like I have said before, I don't know if that guy actually has feelings for her.

So she's allowed to crush on someone else while you're together as long as that person doesn't reciprocate any feelings? That is bogus

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QUOTE (3E8 @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 01:09 PM)
So she's allowed to crush on someone else while you're together as long as that person doesn't reciprocate any feelings? That is bogus

Yeah, that probably won't lead to good things. You are now going to be looking at every dude she's talking to like she's looking for something better. Tread carefully my friend.

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QUOTE (witesoxfan @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 02:07 PM)
When the time is right, I'll ask her about it again. And that'll be soon.

 

 

Just don't let it be something that you "wait" for a while. It's something you have to work out and quick, or you're going to get stomped twice as hard later on. If you get through the difficult conversations now, it was meant to be anyway.

 

It's tough, Blake. Hang in there. Just make sure that you're not suppressing your own doubts because it feels good (or, that is to say, doesn't feel tough).

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Here's the problem, as I interpret it -- she wants everything to go her way, even at your expense. She wants to pursue this other dufus, meanwhile, have you as a safety net if the relationship never works out. There's a saying that women are like monkeys, in that they'll never let go of one branch until the other is secure.

 

I notice people, when seeking relationship advice, often believe their situation is unique, and maybe if we knew the nuances of their relationship we'd think differently. Breakup scenarios are always different, but people are fundamentally the same. I know you haven't said as much Wite, but keep in mind (in case you are thinking this way), that she dumped you. In your original post, it's almost as if you're blaming yourself for the breakup because you were a piece of s*** and not participating in extracurricular activities. This is where people may reply, "well, it goes beyond that, there are many other things I did," but all you're doing is putting the blame on yourself. She knew when she began dating you, two years ago, the type of person you were. You're in college, for christs sake. It's a convenient excuse, but I have a feeling no matter what you would have done with your life she would have looked elsewhere.

 

Hell, for all you know this other guy is a complete bum. Think of all the pieces of s*** out there who are dating someone with no job, no career aspirations, nothing really to wake up for. Also, consider this -- she dumped you because you weren't involved enough in the world for her liking, in addition to being a piece of s***; as you put it. If she thinks this way, what would happen five years in the future if say you're laid off from your job? Would you worry that she'd leave you, or that she'd supportive? I suppose it doesn't matter, really, because I just think this whole 'getting your life straightened out' is crap and she's at the age where the pastor is greener in the single life.

 

Wite, the most important issue here is that you can't let her know she can run back and forth between other guys and you, and that you'll always be there. I've always made it very clear that I don't do 'breaks' or give 'second chances.' One girl I was considering dating actually argued with me about this rule, and I told her thanks for saving me a lot of time; goodbye. To this day I still will receive random text messages from her asking what I'm doing tonight, or we should hang out. I can be a complete asshole, but I don't let women walk over me. If you told you girl tomorrow, "if you ever try this again, I won't be there waiting," and she flips out, consider it a sign that it's still on her mind and that you're bound to go through the same heartache again.

 

 

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QUOTE (Flash Tizzle @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 06:39 PM)
Here's the problem, as I interpret it -- she wants everything to go her way, even at your expense. She wants to pursue this other dufus, meanwhile, have you as a safety net if the relationship never works out. There's a saying that women are like monkeys, in that they'll never let go of one branch until the other is secure.

 

I notice people, when seeking relationship advice, often believe their situation is unique, and maybe if we knew the nuances of their relationship we'd think differently. Breakup scenarios are always different, but people are fundamentally the same. I know you haven't said as much Wite, but keep in mind (in case you are thinking this way), that she dumped you. In your original post, it's almost as if you're blaming yourself for the breakup because you were a piece of s*** and not participating in extracurricular activities. This is where people may reply, "well, it goes beyond that, there are many other things I did," but all you're doing is putting the blame on yourself. She knew when she began dating you, two years ago, the type of person you were. You're in college, for christs sake. It's a convenient excuse, but I have a feeling no matter what you would have done with your life she would have looked elsewhere.

 

Hell, for all you know this other guy is a complete bum. Think of all the pieces of s*** out there who are dating someone with no job, no career aspirations, nothing really to wake up for. Also, consider this -- she dumped you because you weren't involved enough in the world for her liking, in addition to being a piece of s***; as you put it. If she thinks this way, what would happen five years in the future if say you're laid off from your job? Would you worry that she'd leave you, or that she'd supportive? I suppose it doesn't matter, really, because I just think this whole 'getting your life straightened out' is crap and she's at the age where the pastor is greener in the single life.

 

Wite, the most important issue here is that you can't let her know she can run back and forth between other guys and you, and that you'll always be there. I've always made it very clear that I don't do 'breaks' or give 'second chances.' One girl I was considering dating actually argued with me about this rule, and I told her thanks for saving me a lot of time; goodbye. To this day I still will receive random text messages from her asking what I'm doing tonight, or we should hang out. I can be a complete asshole, but I don't let women walk over me. If you told you girl tomorrow, "if you ever try this again, I won't be there waiting," and she flips out, consider it a sign that it's still on her mind and that you're bound to go through the same heartache again.

Amen. :notworthy

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QUOTE (Flash Tizzle @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 06:39 PM)
Here's the problem, as I interpret it -- she wants everything to go her way, even at your expense. She wants to pursue this other dufus, meanwhile, have you as a safety net if the relationship never works out. There's a saying that women are like monkeys, in that they'll never let go of one branch until the other is secure.

 

I notice people, when seeking relationship advice, often believe their situation is unique, and maybe if we knew the nuances of their relationship we'd think differently. Breakup scenarios are always different, but people are fundamentally the same. I know you haven't said as much Wite, but keep in mind (in case you are thinking this way), that she dumped you. In your original post, it's almost as if you're blaming yourself for the breakup because you were a piece of s*** and not participating in extracurricular activities. This is where people may reply, "well, it goes beyond that, there are many other things I did," but all you're doing is putting the blame on yourself. She knew when she began dating you, two years ago, the type of person you were. You're in college, for christs sake. It's a convenient excuse, but I have a feeling no matter what you would have done with your life she would have looked elsewhere.

 

Hell, for all you know this other guy is a complete bum. Think of all the pieces of s*** out there who are dating someone with no job, no career aspirations, nothing really to wake up for. Also, consider this -- she dumped you because you weren't involved enough in the world for her liking, in addition to being a piece of s***; as you put it. If she thinks this way, what would happen five years in the future if say you're laid off from your job? Would you worry that she'd leave you, or that she'd supportive? I suppose it doesn't matter, really, because I just think this whole 'getting your life straightened out' is crap and she's at the age where the pastor is greener in the single life.

 

Wite, the most important issue here is that you can't let her know she can run back and forth between other guys and you, and that you'll always be there. I've always made it very clear that I don't do 'breaks' or give 'second chances.' One girl I was considering dating actually argued with me about this rule, and I told her thanks for saving me a lot of time; goodbye. To this day I still will receive random text messages from her asking what I'm doing tonight, or we should hang out. I can be a complete asshole, but I don't let women walk over me. If you told you girl tomorrow, "if you ever try this again, I won't be there waiting," and she flips out, consider it a sign that it's still on her mind and that you're bound to go through the same heartache again.

Realest post I've read about this situation thus far.

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QUOTE (Flash Tizzle @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 06:39 PM)
Here's the problem, as I interpret it -- she wants everything to go her way, even at your expense. She wants to pursue this other dufus, meanwhile, have you as a safety net if the relationship never works out. There's a saying that women are like monkeys, in that they'll never let go of one branch until the other is secure.

 

I notice people, when seeking relationship advice, often believe their situation is unique, and maybe if we knew the nuances of their relationship we'd think differently. Breakup scenarios are always different, but people are fundamentally the same. I know you haven't said as much Wite, but keep in mind (in case you are thinking this way), that she dumped you. In your original post, it's almost as if you're blaming yourself for the breakup because you were a piece of s*** and not participating in extracurricular activities. This is where people may reply, "well, it goes beyond that, there are many other things I did," but all you're doing is putting the blame on yourself. She knew when she began dating you, two years ago, the type of person you were. You're in college, for christs sake. It's a convenient excuse, but I have a feeling no matter what you would have done with your life she would have looked elsewhere.

 

Hell, for all you know this other guy is a complete bum. Think of all the pieces of s*** out there who are dating someone with no job, no career aspirations, nothing really to wake up for. Also, consider this -- she dumped you because you weren't involved enough in the world for her liking, in addition to being a piece of s***; as you put it. If she thinks this way, what would happen five years in the future if say you're laid off from your job? Would you worry that she'd leave you, or that she'd supportive? I suppose it doesn't matter, really, because I just think this whole 'getting your life straightened out' is crap and she's at the age where the pastor is greener in the single life.

 

Wite, the most important issue here is that you can't let her know she can run back and forth between other guys and you, and that you'll always be there. I've always made it very clear that I don't do 'breaks' or give 'second chances.' One girl I was considering dating actually argued with me about this rule, and I told her thanks for saving me a lot of time; goodbye. To this day I still will receive random text messages from her asking what I'm doing tonight, or we should hang out. I can be a complete asshole, but I don't let women walk over me. If you told you girl tomorrow, "if you ever try this again, I won't be there waiting," and she flips out, consider it a sign that it's still on her mind and that you're bound to go through the same heartache again.

 

Now this is a post with someone with relationship experience. Couldn't have said it any better myself though I'll admit I'm not as much of an asshole as Tizz (so the last paragraph, I would do it alittle differently.) :lol:

Edited by SoxAce

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QUOTE (Flash Tizzle @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 07:39 PM)
Here's the problem, as I interpret it -- she wants everything to go her way, even at your expense. She wants to pursue this other dufus, meanwhile, have you as a safety net if the relationship never works out. There's a saying that women are like monkeys, in that they'll never let go of one branch until the other is secure.

 

I notice people, when seeking relationship advice, often believe their situation is unique, and maybe if we knew the nuances of their relationship we'd think differently. Breakup scenarios are always different, but people are fundamentally the same. I know you haven't said as much Wite, but keep in mind (in case you are thinking this way), that she dumped you. In your original post, it's almost as if you're blaming yourself for the breakup because you were a piece of s*** and not participating in extracurricular activities. This is where people may reply, "well, it goes beyond that, there are many other things I did," but all you're doing is putting the blame on yourself. She knew when she began dating you, two years ago, the type of person you were. You're in college, for christs sake. It's a convenient excuse, but I have a feeling no matter what you would have done with your life she would have looked elsewhere.

 

Hell, for all you know this other guy is a complete bum. Think of all the pieces of s*** out there who are dating someone with no job, no career aspirations, nothing really to wake up for. Also, consider this -- she dumped you because you weren't involved enough in the world for her liking, in addition to being a piece of s***; as you put it. If she thinks this way, what would happen five years in the future if say you're laid off from your job? Would you worry that she'd leave you, or that she'd supportive? I suppose it doesn't matter, really, because I just think this whole 'getting your life straightened out' is crap and she's at the age where the pastor is greener in the single life.

 

Wite, the most important issue here is that you can't let her know she can run back and forth between other guys and you, and that you'll always be there. I've always made it very clear that I don't do 'breaks' or give 'second chances.' One girl I was considering dating actually argued with me about this rule, and I told her thanks for saving me a lot of time; goodbye. To this day I still will receive random text messages from her asking what I'm doing tonight, or we should hang out. I can be a complete asshole, but I don't let women walk over me. If you told you girl tomorrow, "if you ever try this again, I won't be there waiting," and she flips out, consider it a sign that it's still on her mind and that you're bound to go through the same heartache again.

Wow, Flash. That's one hell of a post. Nice advice.

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QUOTE (Flash Tizzle @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 06:39 PM)
Here's the problem, as I interpret it -- she wants everything to go her way, even at your expense. She wants to pursue this other dufus, meanwhile, have you as a safety net if the relationship never works out. There's a saying that women are like monkeys, in that they'll never let go of one branch until the other is secure.

 

See, the thing is I don't know if she actually does want to pursue him. It's something I'm going to ask her about, probably on Wednesday at some point. She leaves town tomorrow at 3 PM and will get back at like 9 PM Tuesday night. What I am going to ask her are her true feelings about this guy and if she will truly commit to us. If I had a guess right now, I would say yes, but things are going well right now so there is a bias. And looking at the past 48 hours (from 11 PM Friday till 11 PM now), we've been with each other for 30 of those hours, and she would have had ample opportunities to hang out with said dude, but instead came to hang out with me.

 

I notice people, when seeking relationship advice, often believe their situation is unique, and maybe if we knew the nuances of their relationship we'd think differently. Breakup scenarios are always different, but people are fundamentally the same. I know you haven't said as much Wite, but keep in mind (in case you are thinking this way), that she dumped you. In your original post, it's almost as if you're blaming yourself for the breakup because you were a piece of s*** and not participating in extracurricular activities. This is where people may reply, "well, it goes beyond that, there are many other things I did," but all you're doing is putting the blame on yourself. She knew when she began dating you, two years ago, the type of person you were. You're in college, for christs sake. It's a convenient excuse, but I have a feeling no matter what you would have done with your life she would have looked elsewhere.

 

She did put the blame on me, and I have put the blame on myself. Maybe I'm trying to get water out of a dry well, but all I'd like to think I'm doing right now is putting myself in a position where if something like this comes up again, it would be impossible for the blame to fall on me, and I can counter otherwise.

 

And I also don't believe you know exactly what you get into when you start dating someone...that's why I laugh when I see people getting engaged within the first year of dating. You don't see the real person until about 6 months into the relationship, as you get to know them and what you can and can't do, and that's the proving grounds. But yeah, it's been long enough that she should have said something a while ago about this and either had the stones to break up with me then or help me get on track.

 

Hell, for all you know this other guy is a complete bum. Think of all the pieces of s*** out there who are dating someone with no job, no career aspirations, nothing really to wake up for. Also, consider this -- she dumped you because you weren't involved enough in the world for her liking, in addition to being a piece of s***; as you put it. If she thinks this way, what would happen five years in the future if say you're laid off from your job? Would you worry that she'd leave you, or that she'd supportive? I suppose it doesn't matter, really, because I just think this whole 'getting your life straightened out' is crap and she's at the age where the pastor is greener in the single life.

 

For starters, I do know the guy, and he's doing pretty well. Double major in Poli-Sci and English with intentions of going to law school. It's an 8,000 person school in a 11,000 person town...you have a general idea of who everyone is. I guess I don't exactly know what he does in his personal time, but he atleast talks a good game.

 

I also think getting laid off would be a different scenario. In that case, I can start looking for new jobs and collect unemployment in the meantime. I'm not as worried about that.

 

Wite, the most important issue here is that you can't let her know she can run back and forth between other guys and you, and that you'll always be there. I've always made it very clear that I don't do 'breaks' or give 'second chances.' One girl I was considering dating actually argued with me about this rule, and I told her thanks for saving me a lot of time; goodbye. To this day I still will receive random text messages from her asking what I'm doing tonight, or we should hang out. I can be a complete asshole, but I don't let women walk over me. If you told you girl tomorrow, "if you ever try this again, I won't be there waiting," and she flips out, consider it a sign that it's still on her mind and that you're bound to go through the same heartache again.

 

This I will do. To be fair, I'm glad she doesn't have this philosophy, because we would have been done long ago. If ever I felt I needed to break up with her, and she wanted to get back and give a relationship another chance, I'd give her one and that's it. And to be frank, she hasn't run back and forth between guys, as she's only been with me in the last 2 years or so. She has just had a crush, and that's the part I don't understand, and it's what I'm going to be asking her about on Wednesday. I'm basically going to go in there with two questions in mind - 'What are your true, true feelings about dude?' and 'Will you be 100% committed to this relationship?' I think I know the answer to the first question, and I don't think it will upset me. It's the last question that I want to know the answer to, because it's going to determine a lot about us.

 

The other problem with that final paragraph is that I have stated that I want to remain good friends with her, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that if you get this deep into a relationship, and it splits up, it's hard to maintain the friendship aspect of it and it's almost impossible to in the short-term. Like I said, first true love and really my only true relationship, so I would only assume that once you officially and finally break up with someone, you have to hate them a little bit before you can even be friends with them again.

 

...

 

Right now, it's going well, and it feels right. Whether that's because I want it to feel right for the convenience factor, or because it actually is, or some combination there in, or whatever, it feels right. I am going to have a good talk with her on Wednesday though.

 

And thanks again for all the advice guys. Really appreciated. This should almost be its own thread at this point :lol:

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QUOTE (witesoxfan @ Jan 31, 2010 -> 11:18 PM)
See, the thing is I don't know if she actually does want to pursue him. It's something I'm going to ask her about, probably on Wednesday at some point. She leaves town tomorrow at 3 PM and will get back at like 9 PM Tuesday night. What I am going to ask her are her true feelings about this guy and if she will truly commit to us. If I had a guess right now, I would say yes, but things are going well right now so there is a bias. And looking at the past 48 hours (from 11 PM Friday till 11 PM now), we've been with each other for 30 of those hours, and she would have had ample opportunities to hang out with said dude, but instead came to hang out with me.

 

 

 

She did put the blame on me, and I have put the blame on myself. Maybe I'm trying to get water out of a dry well, but all I'd like to think I'm doing right now is putting myself in a position where if something like this comes up again, it would be impossible for the blame to fall on me, and I can counter otherwise.

 

And I also don't believe you know exactly what you get into when you start dating someone...that's why I laugh when I see people getting engaged within the first year of dating. You don't see the real person until about 6 months into the relationship, as you get to know them and what you can and can't do, and that's the proving grounds. But yeah, it's been long enough that she should have said something a while ago about this and either had the stones to break up with me then or help me get on track.

 

 

 

For starters, I do know the guy, and he's doing pretty well. Double major in Poli-Sci and English with intentions of going to law school. It's an 8,000 person school in a 11,000 person town...you have a general idea of who everyone is. I guess I don't exactly know what he does in his personal time, but he atleast talks a good game.

 

I also think getting laid off would be a different scenario. In that case, I can start looking for new jobs and collect unemployment in the meantime. I'm not as worried about that.

 

 

 

This I will do. To be fair, I'm glad she doesn't have this philosophy, because we would have been done long ago. If ever I felt I needed to break up with her, and she wanted to get back and give a relationship another chance, I'd give her one and that's it. And to be frank, she hasn't run back and forth between guys, as she's only been with me in the last 2 years or so. She has just had a crush, and that's the part I don't understand, and it's what I'm going to be asking her about on Wednesday. I'm basically going to go in there with two questions in mind - 'What are your true, true feelings about dude?' and 'Will you be 100% committed to this relationship?' I think I know the answer to the first question, and I don't think it will upset me. It's the last question that I want to know the answer to, because it's going to determine a lot about us.

 

The other problem with that final paragraph is that I have stated that I want to remain good friends with her, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that if you get this deep into a relationship, and it splits up, it's hard to maintain the friendship aspect of it and it's almost impossible to in the short-term. Like I said, first true love and really my only true relationship, so I would only assume that once you officially and finally break up with someone, you have to hate them a little bit before you can even be friends with them again.

 

...

 

Right now, it's going well, and it feels right. Whether that's because I want it to feel right for the convenience factor, or because it actually is, or some combination there in, or whatever, it feels right. I am going to have a good talk with her on Wednesday though.

 

And thanks again for all the advice guys. Really appreciated. This should almost be its own thread at this point :lol:

 

honestly, the idea of a relationship advice thread was thrown around because of this.

 

at this point everyone has given you some suggestions based on a lot of personal experience, and ultimately it is all up to you how you handle it. I think the general point that everyone has made is that we dont want to see you hurt, because a lot of us have been in that place and it is horrible and sucks something awful. Just be strong and be careful(there is no way for you to be smart when your heart is involved :) )

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Wite,

 

I don't get this. You said you originally broke up because you were being a dick, but it looks like she wanted this guy she had a crush on and wanted to let you go over that. Why did she actually say that you guys were done the first time? Was it about her crush? Or was it about her issues with you. If the dude she's crushing on didn't come up then, that means that she's toying around with you, IMO.

 

If that's the case, your relationship will probably end and not that well. The question is do you want the bandaid ripped off slowly or quickly? Quickly hurts less, but its a lot harder to just "do it and get it over with."

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Saw lots of good ideas here so I won't offer up any more. It is nice to see so many people weigh in with some thoughtful advice, though. Good luck and, to all the posters/helpers in this thread, :cheers. To think it all started with a common love of baseball. :gosox1:

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QUOTE (Rex Kicka** @ Feb 1, 2010 -> 02:28 PM)
Wite,

 

I don't get this. You said you originally broke up because you were being a dick, but it looks like she wanted this guy she had a crush on and wanted to let you go over that. Why did she actually say that you guys were done the first time? Was it about her crush? Or was it about her issues with you. If the dude she's crushing on didn't come up then, that means that she's toying around with you, IMO.

 

If that's the case, your relationship will probably end and not that well. The question is do you want the bandaid ripped off slowly or quickly? Quickly hurts less, but its a lot harder to just "do it and get it over with."

 

I said a pretty terrible thing, and on top of everything from the second half of 2009 (being lazy, not being active, not doing homework, partying too much), she was ready to call it quits. I've since heard she liked the other guy, told her to pursue him, and she has yet to do so and has instead been hanging out with me, hence why I feel as though I've sort of won her back. So to answer the question, she gave up on it because of the issues with me and not because of the dude.

 

Either tomorrow night or Wednesday at some point, I'm going to ask her if it's a simple crush (and I think it's safe to say that everyone has had a simple crush on another person at some point when they were in a relationship but never explored it...I know I have on a couple different girls but I never really even thought of exploring them) or if she actually does want to pursue him. I think the answer is going to be the former, so I'm really not worried about it. The question I don't really know the answer to is if she actually wants to be in a relationship again or if this is just convenient for her with no intentions of anything really happening beyond the next 4 months or so. I don't really know the answer to that.

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She has an image of who she wants to be with and she's trying/tried her best to mold you into that. Then she started thinking she didn't have the right materials to work with, and thought about this other guy. At some point, sooner rather than later, find out what she is looking for and see if you can be that guy for the rest of your life.

 

From what I read, I'd tell her that you need some space to work this all out in your heart and in your head. See what her reaction is. If it isn't close to what you gave her, this relationship will continue unbalanced with you giving more than receiving.

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QUOTE (Pants Rowland @ Feb 1, 2010 -> 06:55 PM)
Saw lots of good ideas here so I won't offer up any more. It is nice to see so many people weigh in with some thoughtful advice, though. Good luck and, to all the posters/helpers in this thread, :cheers. To think it all started with a common love of baseball. :gosox1:

Right on PR.

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QUOTE (witesoxfan @ Jan 29, 2010 -> 04:29 PM)
Ha I wish. The relationship I've been in with a girl for just under 2 years has essentially come to an end. It's been hot and cold for about the past 6 months, but we've never really fought. It was mainly a matter of me being a huge POS for pretty much the entirety of the 2009 calendar year while she was actually being productive and becoming a legitimate member of society. So I had a bit of a revelation that I needed to step up and make changes, and thus far it's been great for 2010 - joined two very good business oriented organizations on campus, I'm looking for a job, and scouting out some internships. She told me last night that she wants to pursue another guy before she takes off to see if anything can bloom and the only reason she's really been hanging out with me is because she does still have feelings, but she wants to see me get on my feet more than anything, and she didn't want to hurt me. I told her that you have to hurt people as it's an inevitability in life, and I gave her the go ahead to try and get with this other guy. I don't know if he has feelings like that for her, but he may. Needless to say, I hope he doesn't, but it's out of my hands now.

 

First true love too. Ouchers.

Wite,

 

While I know that you and other posters on this board probably don't want to hear me give any sort of relationship advice, I do want to at least assure you that I have gone through some of the same things that you have when it comes to relationships ending and the complications that follow. So hear me out -

 

Your situation is comparable to mine (I dated my ex/first love for 3 1/2 years), though you are going about it a bit more mature than I did (initially) and the reasons that she gave you were more legit than what was given to me. I guess the red flag that comes up with me right away is that she seeks another guy before she heads out into the real world. Tell me, were you her only serious boyfriend? I have always thought that first loves really don't work out but if they do it is meant to be.

 

What you are doing right now is absolutely the right thing to do. You are going out, not abusing alcohol over the breakup, joining organizations and bettering yourself. When the ex got rid of me in December of '09, the first thing I did was go to the gym and seek out my options as my life really wasn't full then. I was just about to embark on a new major (big mistake), try new things and stop being the little b**** that I was. The biggest thing for you right now is to not be a wuss and to channel your emotions into something different. For me, that was running the Chicago Marathon. I discovered what drove me again and I got focused on what I really wanted out of college.

 

To get over my ex I worked, traveled to different colleges (UIC, ISU, NIU, Western Michigan University and St. Ambrose University), made some new friends, transferred schools and started over again. Maybe it was a bit extreme, but I had originally set out to attend a school to be a member of the media/teach English and to be close to the then high school girlfriend. I found out rather quickly that I didn't want to devote my life to the world of sports media and have to travel to UI-UC every two weeks to see her. (Though she was the one who broke up with me.) I found out that Eastern really wasn't for me and that I needed to find some place to succeed at. St. Ambrose seems to be where I can learn about business in a stimulating and encouraging atmosphere. They also took all of my credits, gave me scholarship money and told me that I can graduate on time! Sure it's catholic, but that doesn't mean s***, the women are hot and are definitely more approachable here.

 

Basically all I want to say is that I can relate to you, Wite. And that I think you are making all of the right moves. However, I would say that you should keep reporting to the site. It comes to a point where you need to let go and just start dating someone else. I put everything I owned of her in a box (threw that s*** out when I moved to SAU), unfriended all of her and her contacts from facebook, deleted old emails and started fresh. For some, it is hard to do that. The whole breakup process took 1 year to complete before I officially could start living my life to the fullest again. My approach to women now is to not be a nice wussy guy but rather, to be myself with a backbone...I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

Best,

Ross

 

P.S. Consider this - in the real world, can you have a job, be independent and stand up on your own without any dependence on parents or anyone else for support? Sometimes I think that only then a relationship is truly possible. As in, both people have to be mutually happy on their own to bring something to the table as far as a relationship goes. Just an abstract thought.

Edited by The Beast

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I would post my big heartbreak story but you would all blame me and call me girly part names, and you'd be right. Ha

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QUOTE (Brian @ Feb 1, 2010 -> 09:35 PM)
I would post my big heartbreak story but you would all blame me and call me girly part names, and you'd be right. Ha

Post it, we've all been there and are bound to be there again. I'll admit to being a p**** back then.

Edited by The Beast

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