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Ways to Improve Guaranteed Rate Field (joke answers only)


Quin
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Just now, bmags said:

i'm sorry I can't joke about something this serious.

Bring back the goose.

To expand on this, add a Hawk Harrelson soundboard to the goose.

  • Home run call? The goose is belching fire and yelling "PUT IT ON THE BOARD!"
  • "YOU'VE GOTTA BE BLEEPING ME" after a bad review.
  • "A Kansas City special" whenever Pedro Grifol appears on the field, the Royals do anything, or a ball sneaks through, even if it they're not facing the Royals.

Another feature:

The Kaskade Hotbox

A room filled with edibles and joints. Playing non-stop Kaskade to remind us of the brief shining moment in White Sox history. Leury Garcia is found here.

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For every home game, randomly select two fans.  One fan takes an at-bat at a crucial moment, and one fan must pitch an inning late in the game.

Select Saturday night games become "Sultry Saturdays".  Adults only, clothing optional.

The Fan Deck in the outfield becomes a fighting ring on select nights.  Fans can sign up to fight past Sox stars like AJ, Konerko, Thome.  Winning fans get free tickets.  Losing fans get...free tickets.

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2 minutes ago, hogan873 said:

For every home game, randomly select two fans.  One fan takes an at-bat at a crucial moment, and one fan must pitch an inning late in the game.

Select Saturday night games become "Sultry Saturdays".  Adults only, clothing optional.

The Fan Deck in the outfield becomes a fighting ring on select nights.  Fans can sign up to fight past Sox stars like AJ, Konerko, Thome.  Winning fans get free tickets.  Losing fans get...free tickets.

Neglecting to mention Frank Thomas seems intentional.

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32 minutes ago, Quin said:

To expand on this, add a Hawk Harrelson soundboard to the goose.

  • Home run call? The goose is belching fire and yelling "PUT IT ON THE BOARD!"
  • "YOU'VE GOTTA BE BLEEPING ME" after a bad review.

But…..I actually LOVE this, in a non-joking manner. 

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58 minutes ago, CentralChamps21 said:

Lift the entire stadium up and rotate it so there's a view of downtown from behind home plate.

That would have been too obvious... Just need to get a horde of Amish and they should be able to lift it

Edited by Squirmin' for Yermin
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1.  Dig a moat in front of the Cuban Comet stand.  You have to board a raft and float across the moat to get your sandwich.

2.  Move the shower from the concourse to outside Gate D for the locals.

3.  Somehow manage to get even older beer in the KraftKave.  9 month old IPAs are good but are still slightly tolerable.  Not sure it is possible but we can try.

4.  Ron Kittle is stationed at a random bathroom and when someone tries to enter via the exit door to jump the line, Ron intercepts him and traps him in a 10 minute conversation with lots of touching.  

5.  M&M George has to get a jacket with the new non-binary M&Ms.

6.  The ushers pretend to be frozen all game and only come to life so they can vibe during Tim Anderson walk-up songs like those street performers that only move after you tip them  (this only applies to those few ushers that already don't practice this). 

7.  Elon Musk boring tunnel under the tracks so we don't have to get scared by firecrackers under the overpass while walking to Lot G.  

8.  White sitting in Section 506  you have to wear VR Goggles which just broadcast a first person view from a live Darryl Boston cam.  

9.  Lot F is renamed Lot TLR and it allows camping and/or just sleeping it off in your car.  

10.  Wider seats to accommodate them XXXL thick boys and girls. 

11. Ticket taker scanners say "Yes!" in hawk voice instead of just beeping while checking tickets.

12.  The gates open early for batting practice.  

13.  Concession Stand point of sale systems offer if you want to tip 15%, 20% or a friendly critique of their 4 inch neon finger nails that they dug into your Beggars. 

14,  Scout Section is renamed Snout Section where all patrons must wear an elephant trunk mask. 

15.  On Family Sundays the kids race Jason Benetti around the bases.

16.  Anytime there is boo'ing, a giant Steve Stone fathead pops out of the seat in front of you BLOCKING your view of the game because you are a bad fan.

17.  Elvis Night and Pride Night moved to the same date and renamed "Facebook Comments Night".  

18.  Leury Legend Statue.

 

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5 minutes ago, Dick Allen said:

Instead of these worthless bars in the upper deck, build a dispensary/coffeeshop where fans can buy and use their weed. It's a win/win. Sox make more money, more fans can tolerate the product they put on the field by ingesting products into their bodies.

A weedtender outfield spot sounds dope. Just not on the 500 level...

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