I think Hawk actually died during the world series parade, and this is a robot.
IF (INNINGS=<3;STRIKEOUTS=>4;HITS=<2) goto "CY_YOUNGIFICATION";
GOTO PITCHING
PITCHING: IF WALKS=>2;goto "TEACUP_AND_YELL" REPEAT 10 TIMES;
GOTO UMPS
IF SOX RUNS<OPPOSITION RUNS EXECUTE "SCREAM_AT_THE_UMP" SUBROUTINE.
ECHO "GABNUBIT, AL KALINE, MERCY, STRETCH"
by SSI71