June 8, 200421 yr Tums to Release 'Bums' in Chicago Monday June 7, 2004 Associated Press Chicago-The makers of the popular heartburn relief product Tums have announced the release of a new product, 'Bums'. The announcement followed a particularly bad weekend for closers on Chicago baseball teams. "Fans often blame indigestion and heart burn on the stress of late inning baseball" said the company's CEO James Worth, "we want those fans to choose our brands". The company began floating the idea during the 2002 season; however they dumped the plan when Joe Borowski settled in for the Cubs on the North side of Chicago. "We thought about releasing a theme based product on the South side of town, but demographics suggest the product needs to sell to fans from both organizations" Worth said. 'Bums' will be sold in cartons with White Sox closer Billy Koch pictured on them, and rolls featuring a picture of the Cubs closer Joe Borowski. Jerry Reinsdorf also thinks 'Bums' will be a hit, "These things will sell like crazy at our concession stands, I think [Koch] can really make a lot of money for both the good people at Tums, and wealthy owners like myself". A similar sentiment was felt on the North side of town. "I can't wait to use these when I am on the hill." Borowski admitted, "I hope they work as well as the originals". The Tribune Company has already vowed to ban Rolaids inside Wrigley Field. "Anyone who brings that terrible Rolaids brand into our park will be executed on the field" said an anonymous Tribune employee. The Tums Company hopes to have the product on shelves around the Chicago Metropolitan area sometime in early July. © Associated Press. All rights reserved. Copyright © 2004 ComStock, Inc. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
June 8, 200421 yr Author I was hoping to make it seem more authentic, but I was too lazy to find out who makes Tums, and their CEO's name.
June 8, 200421 yr Reisndorf would never say "Wealthy owner's like myself." If you had attributed a quote that said something about how poor owners were, it would have sounded better. SB
June 8, 200421 yr Author Reisndorf would never say "Wealthy owner's like myself." If you had attributed a quote that said something about how poor owners were, it would have sounded better. SB I'll consider that next time I write a spoof.
June 8, 200421 yr I was hoping to make it seem more authentic, but I was too lazy to find out who makes Tums, and their CEO's name. Do we have a future Onion staff writer on our hands? Well done. And the over-the-top quotes by JR are good, they're the absurd extreme to let readers (the really slow ones) know they've been had.
June 8, 200421 yr Genius marketing right there. They should hire you Until he comes up with something as good as the "line shot" commercials (or whatever they were called) featuring Thomas, Ventura, Karchner, etc, i don't want him anywhere near the Sox marketing department....
June 10, 200421 yr Reisndorf would never say "Wealthy owner's like myself." If you had attributed a quote that said something about how poor owners were, it would have sounded better. SB Yeah he had me until then. I thought it was real thinking, wtf.
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