MANAUS, BRAZIL—An international team of scientists conducting research in the Amazon River Basin announced the discovery of a formerly unknown primate species inhabiting a remote jungle area roughly 300 miles from Manaus Monday. According to scientists in Manaus, the new species, Ateles saporis, is "an amazing biological find" and "incredibly delectable."

 

Enlarge Image A member of Ateles saporis, which scientists say tastes excellent broiled (below).

 

"We couldn't be more thrilled!" German researcher Dr. Jerome Keller told reporters Tuesday. "Very few scientists are lucky enough to discover a new species, let alone a mammal with a palatability on par with a tender, juicy steak."

 

"This is a seriously tasty creature," Keller added.

 

Although the creature resembles a large kitten, as a member of the Ateles genus, it is more closely related to wooly and spider monkeys. Ateles saporis, informally known as the delicacy ape, is a tree-dwelling herbivore that can measure up to a meter from head to tail. The adult delicacy ape weighs between 35 and 40 pounds and tastes wonderful with a currant glaze.

 

Keller said the new species boasts a gular sac, a distinctive trait that separates it from other species in the Ateles genus.

 

"The gular sac is a throat pouch that can be inflated, allowing the animal to make loud calls that resonate through the treetops," Keller said. "More importantly, the pouch can be stuffed with nuts or dried fruits prior to roasting."

 

Biologist Jeanette Bransky, who served as the research team's chief archivist, presented a series of slides showing delicacy apes cavorting in trees, caring for their young, and sitting thinly sliced on a platter next to roasted red potatoes.

 

"After careful study, we have determined that Ateles saporis is a very insulated species," Bransky said. "All of their food needs are met in the treetops. They're docile, affectionate creatures with a non-competitive social structure. They often sit grooming each other for hours on end, which explains why their meat is so marbled and tender."

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You just can't beat Onion animal stories.

 

Here's one of my old favorites.

You just can't beat Onion animal stories.

 

Here's one of my old favorites.

Onion Laughs

You just can't beat Onion animal stories.

 

Here's one of my old favorites.

My all-time favorite.

My all-time favorite.

 

Yikes. Pretty dang prophetic.

My all-time favorite.

 

quick, ask the onion who's going to win the world series in 2014. i need to make a bet.

Always One of My Faves

Always One of My Faves

 

"The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size, that won't be a problem."

 

 

Best Onion Animal Story Ever!

 

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fµ*k.'"

 

 

Best Onion Animal Story Ever!

 

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fµ*k.'"

That's evolution for you

Here's a recent one destined to be a classic, though it's prokaryotes and not animals:

 

Species of Blue-Green Algae Announces IPO.

 

Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

 

 

Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

 

 

so true

Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces to Iraq

 

"With Operation Great Job!, we send the message loud and clear to Saddam Hussein that his open defiance of the United Nations and international law will not be tolerated," Clinton said. "We also send the equally important message to our own troops that what's important is not whether you defeat the enemy, but that you try your best and have fun."

 

so wrong

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

 

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

 

 

Nice

This has to be Jim's