You might be a Republican if:
you run for US Senate as Mr. Clean and Mr. Religious and couldn't get your wife to go to sex clubs for public sex with you
you are a member of a party in a major US state that has no one running for an open US Senate seat
your party leaders, Bob Dole, Mike Ditka, earn their spending money by doing commericals for penile disfunction (Democrats can get it up without drugs, which so stuns Republicans they impeach people for that )