Widow Spends Life Savings
Joan's husband died with $20,000 to his name. After the funeral, she told her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend asked: "How can that be?"
Joan said: "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake - food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
"My God," said the friend.
"$12,500 for the memorial stone? How big is it?"
Joan replied: "Three carats."
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Dear Abby:
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big
f**king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me a diamond.
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Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. Or 3 - One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their a""holes and they vapor lock)
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- Renewing Marriage Vows
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had Sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made Love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oooooooh! Henry, you devil." she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her panties down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about fifteen minutes!
She moans "Ohh God" and he hangs on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. After about half an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! How did you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
_____________________
Another couple had there 20 th anniversary and later that night the wife woke up and he wasn't in bed so she went to look for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table crying, she asks him why he is crying and he says do you remember when you were fifteen and your dad cought us making love in the back seat of the car.
She: yes I remember it well.
He: do you remember when your dad had the shootgun and said marry my daughter or twenty years in jail.
She: yes I remember it well but why are you crying.
He: today I would have been a free man.
