The 50 Worst Artists in Music History
Extended drum solos. Prog-rock concept albums. Kenny G. We endured all these — and much worse! — to bring you Blender’s list of the 50 most talentless music acts of all time.
50 IRON BUTTERFLY
Everything bad about the ’60s, in one easy-to-avoid package
Legend has it that this Los Angeles acid-rock quintet had consumed such massive amounts of marijuana during the 1968 sessions for “In the Garden of Eden” that keyboardist-singer Doug Ingle could only mumble the title. Hence, “In-a-Gadda-da-Vida” was born, and its unexpurgated 17-minute version (including a two-and-a- half-minute drum solo) inaugurated the dubious era of free-form FM radio.
Appalling fact In-a-Gadda-da-Vida was the first LP ever to be certified platinum.
Worst CD Sun and Steel (MCA, 1975)
49 TOAD THE WET SPROCKET
Very poor name. Even poorer band
“We were together longer than we ever thought we’d be,” said Toad the Wet Sprocket singer Glenn Phillips when the band gave up in 1998. Longer than the rest of us had hoped, too. But the California four-piece defied the odds for 12 years, even piercing the Top 40 with their R.E.M. readymades.
Appalling fact Toad decided to have another go this year, playing dates with Counting Crows. Run.
Worst CD Pale (Columbia, 1990)
48 MASTER P
The dumbest of the Dirty South
In the late ’90s, rapper and label head Percy Miller copycatted G-funk, simplified it and launched a fleet of indistinguishable MCs wrapped in cheap-looking, jewel-riddled artwork. P’s worst offense was his solo work (his obnoxious breakout single, “Make Em Say Ugh,” consisted of little more than a repeated groan). Like a crawfish-suckin’ P. Diddy, he has, shockingly, earned millions from his No Limit imprint, which includes a clothing line, a publishing house — and even a phone company.
Appalling fact Master P had a Ferrari custom-painted in a Gucci-logo pattern.
Worst CD Only God Can Judge Me (No Limit, 1999)
47 GOO GOO DOLLS
Mediocre band, woeful balladeers
Buffalo, New York’s Goo Goo Dolls are former garage-rockers who, since their 1995 acoustic hit “Name,” have successfully flogged a pallid brand of Bon Jovi–lite “rock.” “Iris,” their smash 1998 weepie, gives power ballads a bad name.
Worst CD Gutterflower (Warner Bros., 2002)
46 THE SPIN DOCTORS
Beards. Extended “jams.” Oh dear, oh dear
For a brief time (between 1992 and 1996), it seemed that any workaday bar band, if it was willing to gamely trek around the country for at least three years, had a chance at superstardom (cf. Hootie and the Blowfish, Blues Traveler). Blame the Spin Doctors, hairy New Yorkers who — thanks to the supremely annoying “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” and “Two Princes” — momentarily opened a route between dive bars and the Billboard charts.
Appalling fact The Doctors got together while they were students at New York’s New School of Jazz.
Worst CD Homebelly Groove Live (Epic, 1992)
45 GIPSY KINGS
The curse of many a late-’80s dinner party
Having grown up on the French-Spanish border, the six cousins who formed Gipsy Kings craftily aspired to sell their mixture of flamenco, Eurotrash pop and questionable hairdos to a world desperate for something seemingly exotic. They seduced the über-rich at St. Tropez before hitching their wagon to the then-huge world-music boom, diluting the flamenco with drums, bass and even synthesizers. Soon, they became the Muzak in every bistro in the free world.
Appalling fact Well-known groover George H.W. Bush was so fond of the Gipsy Kings that he asked them to perform at his inaugural presidential ball. For some reason, they declined.
Worst CD Este Mundo (Elektra, 1991)
44 MANOWAR
None more metal. None more gay
An American answer to Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, Rochester, New York’s Manowar embody every conceivable heavy-metal cliché: Bodybuilders all, the four wear leather and animal pelts onstage; singer Eric Adams shrieks only of death, warfare and the glory of metal; Joey DeMaio performs solo bass renditions of “The Flight of the Bumblebee.” They’re quite possibly the most ludicrous people in rock & roll history.
Appalling fact In 1993, Russian youth voted Manowar above the Beatles and Michael Jackson as the act they would most like to see perform live.
Worst CD Sign of the Hammer (EMI, 1985)
43 MIKE & THE MECHANICS
“Every generation blames the one before,” they sang. So we will
While Phil Collins was torturing the world with his archetypal ’80s soft-rock, his Genesis colleague Mike Rutherford unwisely decided to join in. Ergo the Mechanics, a trio built around Rutherford, former Squeeze vocalist-keyboardist Paul Carrack and the late Paul Young. As shown by the 1989 number 1 hit “The Living Years,” an unbearably sentimental ode to Rutherford’s deceased father, they made Collins sound like the MC5.
Appalling fact Against significant odds, there is a U.K.-based Mike & the Mechanics tribute band, the Living Years.
Worst CD Beggar on a Beach of Gold (Virgin, 1995)
42 RICK WAKEMAN
Can play two synthesizers at once — but nothing that people want to hear
Keyboard “wizard” and professional cape wearer Wakeman’s diabolical taste revealed itself early, when he elected to join prog-rockers Yes instead of David Bowie’s backing band, the Spiders From Mars. Not content with contributing to Yes’s inexcusably pompous albums, he also spent the mid-’70s releasing a series of baroquely awful solo theme records, including The Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. For reasons that are still unclear, he opted to perform that one on ice.
Appalling fact While playing Yes songs live, Wakeman would wolf down curry during sections in which he had little to do.
Worst CD Lisztomania (A&M, 1975)
41 WHITESNAKE
Dumb and dumberer
Led by ex–Deep Purple frontman David Coverdale, Whitesnake’s ’80s success with their karaoke Led Zeppelin routine can be explained only by the public’s enduring love for the double entendre, as exemplified on such songs as “Slide It In,” “Slow Poke Music” and “Spit It Out.”
Worst CD Slip of the Tongue (Geffen, 1989)
40: Blind Melon
A video made them:heroin undid them
39:Bob Geldof
Should have stuck to saving the planet
38:Nelson
Not even a traumatic hollywood childhood could make this duo interesting
37:The Doors
He was the Lizard King, No really...
36:98 Degress
Well, there mothers must love them
35:Paul Oakenfold
Hey,Mr. DJ: Keep your day job!
34:Live
These U2 sound-alikes never did find what they were looking for
33:Japan
An uncontestable argument against the '80's
32:The Hooters
The great folk-rock scare
31:Arrested Development
Too positive for their own good
30:Richard Marx
The devil-king of MOR
29:Skinny Puppy
The audience rarely sang along to "dogs***"
28:Crash Test Dummies
They said Brad Robert's voice was so deep it could be heard only by whales.Not True, sadly
27:Color Me Badd
These Oklahomans sang about sex. But they couldn't keep it up
26:Celion Dion
One more reason to hate the french?
25:Jamiroquai
The white, talentless Stevie Wonder
24:Bad English
With ex-members of Journey!
23:Creed
Whoever said the devil has all the best tunes was probably listening to Creed at the time
22:Primus
"Care for some prog-rock with cartoon-character vocals on the side?" "No, thanks!"
21:The Alan Parsons Project
The sound inside the head of Pink Floyd's engineer. Zzzzzzzzz.......
20:Howard Jones
He came from England. Thanks, England
19:Dan Fogelberg
Giving male sensitivity a bad name--one song at a time
18:Pat Boone
With his clean white bucks, he made rock & roll safe for '50s nerds
17:Benzino
He rapped, he co-owned
16:Oingo Boingo
Artless art-rock
15:Yanni
Fabio meets Tesh!
14:Yngwie Malmsteen
Big on solos, short on songs
13:Mick Jagger
Even Bill Wyman laughs at Mick's solo records
12:Tin Machine
David Bowie's darkest (non-acting) hour
11:Latoya Jackson
The least talented Jackson
10:Air Supply
The sound of eunuchs sobbing
9:Lee Greenwood
Gives patriotism a bad name
8:Vanilla Ice
The white boy to end all white boys
7:Asia
Ridicules album sleeves, virtuoso playing, souless rock. It can be only one band
6:Kansas
Beware all bands named after states or continents!
5:Starship
They built this city on rock & roll. And crap!
4:Kenny G
This guy really blows!
3:Michael Bolton
Otis Redding died for this?
2:Emerson, lake & Palmer
Welcome back, my friends, to the second-worst band in history!
1:Insane Clown Posse......
They sound even stupider than they look....
There is a some funny commentary on why they suck and all that in the mag(like 50-41 up there) but I'm not typing all that
