1 . Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but

don't start anything."

 

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food

in here."

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer

please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The

ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste

funny to you?"

 

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual."

 

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

 

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look

at, either.

 

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is

there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and

examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

 

14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five

people in my family , so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad,

or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty

sure it's Colin.

 

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

any.

 

16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too

high."

 

17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,

doctor, I can't feel my legs!".

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

18. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

 

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

22. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

My favorite one was the one in five people is Chinese one. Here is some very dumb ones:

 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He slipped. Why did a second monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey.

 

Why did Captain Crunch go to the hospital? Cause he was sick.

 

A lady walked into the doctor... ...she said sorry.

I cant seem to remember any jokes that arent offensive to anyone....

 

Heres a cheesy one:

 

Hear of the new Pirate movie? Its rated RRRRRRRRRRR.

A string walks into a bar and says "Bartender, bring me a beer."

 

The bartender looks at him and screams "Get out of my bar, we don't serve strings here!"

 

So the string gets up and starts to leave. As he's leaving he notices another string coming into the bar and says "Hey buddy, don't go in there. They don't serve strings here"

 

So the second string says "Oh yea, watch this." Right then he bends over, ties himself in a knot and ruffles up his one end. Then he walks in sits down at the bar and says "Bartender, bring me a beer!"

 

The bartender looks at him funny and says "Are you a string?"

 

The string replied "Nope, afraid not" (say it out loud)

 

My favorite one was the one in five people is Chinese one. Here is some very dumb ones:

 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He slipped. Why did a second monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey.

 

Why did Captain Crunch go to the hospital? Cause he was sick.

 

A lady walked into the doctor...                  ...she said sorry.

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree? because it was dead

 

one of my all-time favorite jokes.