NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer

evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my

5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom ! That lady isn't wearing a

seat belt!"

 

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd

dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in

the

garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my

bathroom

and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming

little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in

the

toilet a few days ago.

 

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note

from his mother.

The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily

those of his parents."

 

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter

to

answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her

mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.

 

"She's hitting the bottle."

 

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's

locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with

ladies

grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in

amazement

and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy

before?"

 

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was

interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at

my

uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued

writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask

the police.

Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said

as she extended

her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

 

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the

station.

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I

saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?"

he

asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then

towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

 

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly

shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,

particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found

her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced

myself

for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and

whispered,

"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

 

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you

shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it

always

gives you a headache the next morning."

 

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister

heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

 

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a

small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the

disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the

appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of

what he

thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto

the

Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

 

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.

"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

 

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he

fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the

Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf

that

had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found", the boy

 

called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the

young

boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear".

That bible one is the best! hahahahaha.

Ahh they're all hilarious, especially the first one.

The Nudity seat belt one is the best as long as she's hot.

My 5 year old son has been learning about communion in Kindergarten and he is now certain that Jesus was made out of bread.

when my middle son was about 5 we were behind a 300lb lady at the grocery store

 

her cell phone started to beep and calvin said ''watch out dad, she's backin' up''

 

:headshake