maybe I should cut and paste the 10 worst to avoid the chance the site's server being down..
The following is the result of scientific testing and research. While there were literally hundreds of comedians suggested for this final list, we felt it necessary to take a careful account of each comedian's history, weighing their overall unfunnyness against positive assets they may have (if any). Only those truly worthy of our absolute hatred are included. You'd be surprised how many just barely slid by.
But, heck, if you'd like to nominate another comedian (film or television) for this list, please e-mail us, and please include some good reasons. Worthy Comments may be posted.
Ernest P. Worell
Deceased at age 50, the priceless legacy that Jim Varney has left us will never be forgotten. It is for this reason he is included here. Having seen an embarrassing number of his films at an early age, I can say with absolute certainty that, despite the endless stream of movie delights such as Ernest The Pirate, Ernest In The Army, Ernest Goes To Africa, Slam Dunk Ernest, Ernest Goes To School, Ernest Rides Again (no, I am not making any of these up), Ernest Scared Stupid, Ernest Goes To Jail, Ernest Goes To Camp, and Ernest Saves Christmas (the best of the series), Ernest P. has never gotten me to ever crack a smile with his repetitive, slapstick antics. In the words of Trent Reznor: if there is a hell, I'll see Ernest there.
Martin Lawrence
If Martin is truly a representation in any way of what young Black Americans want, I am sincerely confused. A boring facsimile of Eddie Murphy, Martin's stand-up is a series of "SHOCKINGLY UNSPOKEN!" commentary on sex, like "Yo I don't wanna eat out no unclean b****es! Hahahah!" (it's truly amazing people find this sort of material shocking considering how tired the style is), and his television show is a merger of incredibly redundant "characters" based on black stereotypes and catch phrases. It's a fantastic thing when one uses their skin color to make them marketable, and it's even more fantastic when you build your entire career of simply repeating street slang in a stupid voice. Perhaps behind closed doors, Martin is laughing at you for finding this bulls*** entertaining.
The Jerky Boys
Two guys that make prank phone calls. The material rarely gets beyond anything that hasn't been explored in programs like Candid Camera. These guys call up people and act like idiots, and hey, what a tremendous surprise that the people react to it. Their s***ty movie is a climatic testament to their worthlessness. This is not why I hate them, however--I hate these guys because they managed to inspire an entire peanut gallery of "computer hackers" and pranksters to imitate their dumb voices eternally. Voices which are either based on some sort of retarded cartoon, or racial stereotypes. Did anyone hear the one where they make fun of Indian people? That was hilarious! He's totally got the accent perfected!
Tim Allen
Tim Allen managed to come up with a remotely funny schtick while doing stand-up. "Men are pigs! Oink, oink! Men are stupid! Also, men are simple! Yes, we like manly stuff, because we are men and stupid and also pigs! And stupid! I'm talking about men here, not women!" Certainly not original, nor particularly interesting, however, he invested quite a lot into this line of humor and it appears to have paid off big time. Allen managed to spawn a long-running television show and several movies. What's remarkable about Tim Allen's career is that he's gone so far on just one joke. He just keeps re-telling the same joke over and over again ("Men like tools! Men stupid! Oink!") and people keep watching his stupid television show, gosh, it had like 300 seasons before it ended, didn't it?
Andrew Dice Clay
I realize including THE DICEMAN here is partially feigning ignorance to the only thing he managed to do successfully--getting stupid feminists mad. Unfortunately, this is a remarkably easy feat to accomplish, of which I'm sure most of you are well aware. When you strip any undeserved media-attention for him being "BANNED", you see fairly soon that this guy lacks the ability to actually say anything genuinely funny or interesting. It's actually kind of pathetic, because after all the hype, there's this guy in a leather jacket, telling nursery rhymes about girl's vaginas, expecting guys with mugs of beer to yell out "YEAH!!!!" as if to re-enact some empty, macho cliche. If it were done as parody, he probably should've let someone in on the joke at some point, you know, just for the heck of it. Gosh, maybe even to get a laugh or two.
Carrot Top
Carrot Top is basically a props comedian who runs around stage, pretending to be hyper, whipping out random objects. When the object has been presented, it is followed by him staring doe-eyed for a moment into the crowd, with a desperate cry for laughter. It's my hunch that people laugh because they feel kind of sorry for him, kind of like when your Uncle makes a really stupid joke and you give a fake laugh just so neither of you look like complete assholes. Well, I don't, but maybe you do. Even in his s***ty movie Chairman of The Board, it seems clear that Carrot Top relies entirely too much on physical comedy and visuals, since he looks menacingly similar to the Wendy's female icon. If only we were laughing as much as him!
Bob Saget
After seasons of Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos, Bob Saget has managed to make nobody laugh, with the exception of the freakish alien race that apparently frequents these shows as the live studio audience. You would most certainly have to be on another planet to find his washed-out, clean-cut, always-smile-while-I-read-the-teleprompter style even remotely entertaining. I've heard rumors that his stand-up routines are "DARK" and perverted and don't resemble his television personality at all, but I find this fairly hard to believe. And, even if that were true, his crimes against the Gods of Humor are far too great to ever be forgiven.
Gallagher
Hero of white trash, Gallagher is also a philosopher, and has studied the existential angst of middle-America closely, and concluded that smashing things with a hammer was the perfect gimmick that would rocket him into his comedic stardom. Surprisingly, it worked. His "sledge-o-matic" routine has supported many a sold out arena show, and his audiences come with raincoats to avoid fruits and vegetables hitting them. And he continues to smash things with his hammer, allowing for it to become his staple joke, which he repeats over and over again, smashing everything in sight! Ain't nothin' gettin' in the way of Gallagher and his hammer of hilarity! Actually, although Gallagher is tremendously unfunny, I enjoy watching him perform, if only to truly marvel at why this country sucks.
Joan Rivers
Before this stupid wench peddled gossip and jewelry and her daughter in a desperate attempt to stay famous, despite her glaring lack of talent, Joan Rivers used to do lots of 'comedy', with the "I'm the only really direct and honest woman out there telling how things really are!" Unfortunately for Joan Rivers, being honest meant saying things like "women either have to emphasize their brains or their looks," and giggling quite a lot around men. Which is truly a horrible sound, considering her cigarette-stained manly voice. Unsurprisingly, this didn't help her career or land her any big time laughs. I can safely say that I hate absolutely anything having to do with this woman. Clearly her ex-husband, Edgar, agrees with me on this one, since he eventually committed suicide. In fact, it amazes me that she ever bore the title "comedian" since, while this woman was not funny, I know several people who do not carry this title "comedian" and are far funnier.
Jay Leno
A few years ago I was flipping channels and I accidentally settled on The Tonight Show during the beginning of one of Jay Leno's monologues. I was confused by all the strained jokes and the complete lack of interesting material. For a few seconds I thought that perhaps he was actually doing a parody of a hack comedian, and I started to laugh. Yes, all these terrible jokes could very well be an act of comedic genius. Ahh, if only it were so. Perhaps my mind would not allow me to believe that someone could possibly be so unfunny. Perhaps I was worried that knowing The Truth would send my body into epileptic seizures. When I did realize that this was a sincere effort at humor, however, it quickly became one of the of most disturbing and traumatic experience of my life. And yes, I cried.
