Steff

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

service was focused on forgiving our enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bit**es!"

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road? GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represents the application of these two different functions of government in a new reinvented way, designed to bring greater services to the American people. RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released E-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of E-Chicken. MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the pricedropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

The Four Cats ! Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop out of the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had his way with the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and....................... went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog. FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD.. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.. Looks like a rat .. been out a while.. better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK: $300.. Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer: $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. (And the best one...) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

QUOTE(Texsox @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 03:35 PM) let me add my two cents, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one A penny saved is a penny earned

QUOTE(SoxFan1 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 03:23 PM) I see your 24 cents short of a quarter.... Just staying one day ahead of yesterday

QUOTE(SoxFan1 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 03:11 PM) Damnit! You stole mine. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree... A day late and a dollar short

All's well that ends well

QUOTE(Soxbadger @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 12:54 PM) Thats easy Joe Crede, Juan Uribe, Shingo, Timo for Reyes, Wright, Floyd We just have to tell the Mets that Beltran is not going to play unless they get another Boras client in Joe Crede, and then Beltran needs 2 friends in Uribe and Timo, because we know they are a positive influence on the latin players. And as for Shingo, he will be the Mets new closer and make Kaz Matsui learn how to field. It really is just a phone call away. SB ROTFLMAO!!!

QUOTE(Chisoxrd5 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 01:45 PM) Yup just pile it on....everyone get in line and call me a moron. I was just inquiring anyway. I don't think i'm going to fret over $13 dollars. I'm way too foolish to understand the value of money. I didn't think it was a stupid question.. if you've never done it before how would you know..

QUOTE(JimH @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 01:42 PM) If you plan on doing the Patio Party and spending the remainder of the game in the Bullpen Sports Bar, just buy the cheapest upper deck ticket. How's that for a news flash? Uhhh.. news flash.. Why would you pay $14 for an UD ticket when they are going to let you buy a LR for $13..??

QUOTE(Chisoxrd5 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 01:41 PM) No, you have to have a game ticket to get into the park. IDIOT!!!!!! :banghead :banghead :banghead :banghead

QUOTE(Chisoxrd5 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 01:33 PM) Could you hypothetically roll from the patio party to the bullpen sports bar and hang out there without ever actually having a game ticket?? No, you have to have a game ticket to get into the park.

QUOTE(southsider2k5 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 01:28 PM) That's what I was looking for. $28 gets you kicked out when the game starts. No.. you can stay there until the 3rd inning.

QUOTE(southsider2k5 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 01:22 PM) I saw it, I didn't think it was clear at all. What is a patio ticket? They empty the patio at a certian point, so where do you sit then? "You will have the option of buying just a patio ticket or both that and a lower reserved seat ticket for $13.00" $28 is for all you can eat/drink and $13 more is for a ticket.

QUOTE(southsider2k5 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 01:17 PM) Question, because I have never been to a patio party... If you get the $28 package, where do you end up sitting? Do you have to pay extra to get a ticket? Didn't read Hal's post I see... :rolly

QUOTE(Balance @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 01:04 PM) I see. I'm still meeting all the "personalities" here. It's easy to spot the troublemakers and s*** starters, like Steve9347. No offense was meant by my post and if you ever do feel like I've offended you, just let me know and I'll apologize or clarify.

QUOTE(Steve9347 @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 12:29 PM) Balance, if you'll notice, anytime Steff has something to say, its a rip. She has obviously never heard "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Just ignore her, that's what most people here do nowadays, anway. LMAO.. GMAFB.. If you think that was a rip you need to grow a pair.

Thanks YAS.

QUOTE(Southside hitmen @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 11:57 AM) That the Whitesox have been scouting Lilly& Batista Where have you read this...?

QUOTE(YASNY @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 10:30 AM) Another Stephanie ?!?!?!? Oh Hell.

QUOTE(Southside hitmen @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 11:52 AM) From what I read the last few weeks the Sox scouts have been watching the jays alot. So this rumor can possibility be true.. What have you read...??