Yup, we gettin' nerdy up in here. Got a problem with it? Well, I don't give a f***.
Jason: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of the Tigers. White Sox Nation stands upon the brink of destruction; none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each fan is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the 2012 World Series Ring, Quin.
[Quin puts the Ring on a stand for all to see]
Steve: So it is true. [stands and walks towards the Ring]. In a dream, I saw the standings grow dark. But in Chicago, a pale light lingered. A voice was crying, "The doom is near at hand, the Tigers are hot." [reaches for the Standings]. Ozzie's Bane...
Kyyle: Steve!
Balta: [speaking the words engraved on the standings] Ash Nazg Durbatuluk, Ash Nazg Gimbatul, Ash Nazg Thrakatuluk, Agh Burzum-ishi Krimpatul.
J4L: What the f***?
[the light darkens and the air rumbles; Steve backs away from the Ring]
Jason: Never before has anyone dared utter words of that tongue here, on SoxTalk.
J4L: Maybe because it made no sense?
SS2k5: Shut up Jordan4Life.
J4L: What?
SS2k5: I just want a higher post count and I'm not in this script.
Balta: I do not ask for pardon, Master Jason, for the Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the South Side! The race is altogether evil.
Steve: But it is a gift. A gift to the foes of Chicago. Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Flapship, kept the forces of Detroit at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Chicago the weapon of the enemy! Let us use it against him!
Kyle: You cannot wield it. None of us can. The One Ring answers to Verlander alone. It has no other master.
Steve: And what would a Admin know of this matter?
Lostfan: This is no mere Admin. He is Kyyle, son of Kyle. With one "y". You owe him your allegiance.
Steve: Kyyle? This is Ozzie's heir?
Kitekrazy: No, that's Greg, but he couldn't make the meeting.
Lostfan: And heir to the throne of Pale Hose Talk.
Kyyle: [Personal Message] Sit down, Lostfan.
Steve: Pale Hose Talk has no King. Pale Hose Talk needs no King.
Balta: Kyyle is right. We cannot use it.
Jason: You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed.
Knightni: ORLY?
Dick Allen: Then what are we waiting for?
[He strikes the ring with his Bat; the Bat breaks, leaving the ring intact]
Jason: The ring cannot be destroyed, Dick Allen, son of Nellie Fox, by any craft that we here possess. The Ring was made in the fires of The AL Central. Only there can it be unmade. The ring must be taken deep into the playoffs and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this.
Steve: One does not simply walk into the playoffs. Its gates are guarded by more than just Tigers. There is evil there that does not sleep. The great Verlander is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.
Lostfan: Have you heard nothing Lord Jason has said? The ring must be destroyed!
Dick Allen: And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?
Steve: And if we fail, what then? What happens when Verlander takes back what is his?
Dick Allen: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Tiger! Never trust an Tiger! [the council argues amongst themselves]
Balta: Do you not understand while you bicker amongst yourselves, Verlander's power grows?! None will escape it- you'll all be destroyed! [the arguing voices are drowned out by Verlander saying some s***. Quin gets to his feet]
Quin: I will take it! I will take it! [All fall silent] I will take the Ring to Chicago...though I do not know the way.
J4L: You've been to White Sox games. How the f*** do you not know where it is?
Balta: I will help you bear this burden, Quinarvy, for as long as it is yours to bear.
Kyyle: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my pimp chain...
Lostfan: And you have my Cyanide and Happieness.
Dick Allen: And my Bat.
Steve: You carry the fate of us all, young one. If this is indeed the will of the SoxTalk, then Flapship will see it done.
[Ace rushes in]
Sam: Mr. Q's not going anywhere without me!
J4L: Woah, qwerty's here? What about Felix? They got cast in this?
SS2k5: I think we're high. And he meant Quin when he said Q.
Jason: No, indeed, especially when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.
Brian: We're coming, too! [Jason looks astounded] You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!
Blaze: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission... quest... thing.
Brian: That rules you out, Blaze.
Jason: Nine companions. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.
Pippin: Great! Where are we going?
elrockin: J4L, SS2k5...how do they not know they're headed to Chicago?
SS2k5: First they must pass the treacherous hell known as Detroit...
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Earlier...
Caesar: We must join with him, Balta. We must join with Verlander. It would be wise, my friend.
Balta: [disgusted] Tell me, "friend", when did Caesar the Grumpy abandon reason for madness?
[angered, Caesar uses his powers to throw Balta to the floor]
Caesar: I gave you the choice of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain!
Even earlier...
Caulfied: It began with the forging of the Great Offseason. Ozzie left the Sox for greener pastures, taking with him the Rock of the Rotation. A fresh start for Lord Theo, great architect and money thrower of the Crumbling Stadium. And another slugger was gifted to the Tigers, who above all else, desire power. For within these moves was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another move was made. In the land of Detroit, in the fires of Any Location in Detroit, they're all on fire, The Dark Lord Verlander forged in secret a Master Pitch, to control all others. And into this Pitch, he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One Pitch to rule them all.
AND NOW, IN THIS CORNER
WITH A 5-3 RECORD AND 3.17 ERA, THE FLYING SERPENT
JOOOOOOSSEEEEEE QUINTAAAAAANAAAAA
AND IN THIS CORNER
WITH A 10-6 RECORD AND 3.21 ERA
A girls best friend, so homie here got friendzoned.
SOX KICKED SOME TWINKIE ASS LAST GAME. IT WAS AWESOME.
RALLY 'STACHES ARE f***ING AWESOME
AND NOW, WITH THE POWER OF THE STACHE, THE SOX HAVE MOMENTUM
SO, WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? ARE THEY GONNA FAIL ON THEIR JOURNEY?
HELL f***ING NO.
ARE THEY ABOUT TO MAKE A PUSH TO FREE THE SOUTH SIDE?
YES.
BECAUSE f*** ALL THE HATERS.
THIS.
IS.
WHITE SOX.
BASEBALL.
AND NOW, FOR YOUR CHICAGO WHITE SOX.