Texsox Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 The Penis Song Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 No need to start a new thread, this seems on topic Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were spread and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon tried to sit back up again, hit his head on the table & emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he was indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons & John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the bedroom & closed their transaction as she had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm & upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home & pay me back." NOW THAT'S A PLAYER! ! ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Is this the monty python version? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Is this the monty python version? No, it's a fun little song. You, may like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Shower like a Women How True is This: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE WOMAN: 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups. 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 15. Check entire body for blemishes, tweeze hairs. 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your face. 6. Wash your armpits. 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. 11. Shampoo your hair. 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pee. 14. Rinse off and get out of shower. 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 16. Admire wiener size in mirror again. 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 19. Throw wet towel on bed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ... "Uh, yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir " Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir." "And her ... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperSteve Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Tex!!!!!! I am dying here....awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonkeyKongerko Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Great stuff Tex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sox4lifeinPA Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 "shake weiner and make "woo-woo" sound..." hhhhhhhhhhhahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danman31 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 That's great stuff. That story is absolutely hilarious. Oh man, I'm cracking after the one in the car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
israel4ever Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 This is a classic...an "oldie but a goodie". There's an old man and an old woman talking to each other in the nursing home. They are getting along rather well, and eventually he propositions her. She agrees and they go to her room. While they are undressing, she says, "you have to take it easy on me, I have acute angina.". He replies, "That's good, because you have the ugliest tits I have ever seen.". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitesoxin' Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Tex- I love the shower one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1549 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 I heard a kid on the bus singing this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WHarris1 Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 OMG! I think I am gonna die I am laughing so hard between the shower and cop ones! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldmember Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 anutha r rated vid http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/smurf.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 It would be nice if she at least spelled properly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBAHO Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Yeah he really hates those Bars Tarp's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aboz56 Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 It would be nice if she at least spelled properly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 Funny Vid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WHarris1 Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Funny Vid Hahahahahahahahahaha! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBAHO Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Funny Vid Ahhh the memories of English, so many uses for that word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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