Some funnies..

[Steff]

Widow Spends Life Savings

 

Joan's husband died with $20,000 to his name. After the funeral, she told her closest friend that there is no money left.

 

The friend asked: "How can that be?"

 

Joan said: "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake - food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

 

"My God," said the friend.

 

"$12,500 for the memorial stone? How big is it?"

 

Joan replied: "Three carats."

 

-----------------------------

Dear Abby:

 

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The

other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be

able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big

f**king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time

he'll buy me a diamond.

 

-------------------------

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

 

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

 

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they're practicing to be men.

 

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve

around him. Or 3 - One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him

brag about the screwing part.

 

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

 

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and

calling your name?

 

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

 

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

 

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

 

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

 

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 

Q: What is the difference between men and women...

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every

woman to satisfy his one need.

 

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

 

 

 

 

WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

 

 

 

WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?

(they don't have enough time)

 

 

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their a""holes and they vapor lock)

 

--------------------------------------

- Renewing Marriage Vows

 

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had Sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made Love to you."

 

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oooooooh! Henry, you devil." she answers.

 

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep

an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

 

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her panties down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about fifteen minutes!

 

She moans "Ohh God" and he hangs on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. After about half an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! How did you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

 

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

_____________________

 

Another couple had there 20 th anniversary and later that night the wife woke up and he wasn't in bed so she went to look for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table crying, she asks him why he is crying and he says do you remember when you were fifteen and your dad cought us making love in the back seat of the car.

She: yes I remember it well.

He: do you remember when your dad had the shootgun and said marry my daughter or twenty years in jail.

She: yes I remember it well but why are you crying.

 

 

He: today I would have been a free man.

[Steff]

Men Are Like

 

...placemats

they only show up when there's food on the table.

 

...mascara

they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

 

...bike helmets

they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

 

...government bonds

they take so long to mature.

 

...copiers

you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

 

...lava lamps

fun to look at it but not all that bright.

 

...bank accounts

without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

 

...high heels

they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

 

...curling irons

they're always hot and always in your hair.

 

...mini skirts

if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

 

...handguns

keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

[Texsox]

LMAO Very nice Steff.

[Steff]

LMAO Very nice Steff.

Anything to get you off the pale hose board..

[Texsox]

Anything to get you off the pale hose board.. 

I am lol at that thread. I am now so thouroughly confused I have no idea what anyone is really meaning.

[Wise Master Buehrle]

WHat's with all the hate here? Let's turn the vibes your way!

 

What do you tell a woman that has two black eyes?

 

Nothing, you already told her twice.

 

Now that is comedy.

[Wise Master Buehrle]

What is a woman doing when she is staring at a blank piece of paper?

 

Reading her rights.

 

Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon?

 

Because it doesn't need to be cleaned yet.

 

Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

 

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaimed his friend, "Good trade."

[SuperSteve]

Haha. Good stuff.

[MinnesotaSoxFan]

....Geez and they always say men are so Sexist. :headshake

[mmmmmbeeer]

Why do women have such small feet?

--So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

[1549]

A man walked into a bar looking rather depressed

 

"Whats the matter?" the bartender asked.

 

"I caught my wife having sex with my best friend" the man replied.

 

The bartender became curious, "what did you say?" he asked.

 

"I looked her in the eyes and told her to get the hell out" the man said.

 

The bartender nodded "That makes sense, what did you say to your best friend?"

 

The man looked up from his drink, "I looked him straight in the eyes and shouted BAD DOG!"

[Goober]

....Geez and they always say men are so Sexist. :headshake 

maybe thats you, cause they always say I am so sexy

[da_bears86]

maybe thats you, cause they always say I am so sexy

[MinnesotaSoxFan]

maybe thats you, cause they always say I am so sexy

Geez.... When did you meet a blind chick?

[1549]

Doug was enjoying a nice sunday afternoon watching football.

 

He got up and noticed the hall light was out. "Honey" he shouted, "can you fix this light."

 

His wife gave him a cold stare, "Do I have GE stamped on my forehead?" she asked.

 

The husband continued on to the fridge for a beer, he noticed the door was squeaking. "Honey, can you fix this door?"

 

His wife shook her head, "Do I have Kenmore stamped on my forehead?"

 

Annoyed by his wife's disobediance, the man left home to go to a bar.

 

When Doug returned home he found the light and door fixed.

 

"What happened?" Doug asked.

 

"Well" the woman responded, "a man passed by and said he would fix everything for sex or a cake".

 

Doug looked around with a curious expression on his face. "It doesn't smell like you were baking. Where are the utencils?"

 

The woman smiled, "Do I have betty crocker stamped on my forehead?"

[Goober]

Geez.... When did you meet a blind chick?

yesterday afternoon, why?

[1549]

Geez.... When did you meet a blind chick?

I was seeing this chick once, but then some bastard stole my binoculars.

[MinnesotaSoxFan]

I was seeing this chick once, but then some bastard stole my binoculars.

Nice one 1549!

[1549]

Nice one 1549!

thank you

[1549]

Pastor John Fuzz was walking down the street when he saw one of his parishoners drinking in a bar.

 

The pastor decided he would confront the young women, and he walked into the bar.

 

"Ms. Jones" the pastor said, "what do you think you are doing drinking in a place like this"

 

Ms. Jones was quite embarrassed and got up to leave the bar. Unfortunately she was too drunk to walk and she began to crash to the floor. Pastor Fuzz tried to grab her, but ended up falling on top of her.

 

The bar tender looked over just in time to see Pastor Fuzz on top of Ms. Jones, who's skirt was turned up past her waist.

 

"We can't have you two doing this kind of thing in public here" the bartender shouted.

 

The Pastor who was quite embarrassed and short on breath could only muster up the strength to yell back "But I am Pastor Fuzz!"

 

The bartender shrugged, "Well, if you are that far then go ahead and finish the job"

[da_bears86]

Pastor John Fuzz was walking down the street when he saw one of his parishoners drinking in a bar.

 

The pastor decided he would confront the young women, and he walked into the bar.

 

"Ms. Jones" the pastor said, "what do you think you are doing drinking in a place like this"

 

Ms. Jones was quite embarrassed and got up to leave the bar.  Unfortunately she was too drunk to walk and she began to crash to the floor.  Pastor Fuzz tried to grab her, but ended up falling on top of her.

 

The bar tender looked over just in time to see Pastor Fuzz on top of Ms. Jones, who's skirt was turned up past her waist.

 

"We can't have you two doing this kind of thing in public here" the bartender shouted.

 

The Pastor who was quite embarrassed and short on breath could only muster up the strength to yell back "But I am Pastor Fuzz!"

 

The bartender shrugged, "Well, if you are that far then go ahead and finish the job"

[YASNY]

The difference between your job and your wife:

 

 

 

 

 

 

After 5 years ... your job still sucks.

[southsider2k5]

OLD VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter.

 

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the

summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper

has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

 

MODERN VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a

fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the

shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why

the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold

and starving.

 

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering

grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a

table filled with food.

 

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a

country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

 

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody

cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

 

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where

the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then

has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

 

Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that

the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call

for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

 

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,"

retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing

to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to

pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

 

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a

defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of

federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare

recipients.

 

The ant loses the case.

 

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of

the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to

be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain

it.

 

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

 

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,

now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once

peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE REVISED STORY: Vote Republican....

[Texsox]

MORAL OF THE REVISED STORY: Vote  Republican....

LMAO, you sure know a joke when you see one . . .

[Texsox]

            The Top 15 Favorite Redneck Movies

 

15> Alabama Jones and the Last Beer Run

 

14> S*O*U*R*M*A*S*H

 

13> Thelma-Louise

 

12> Back to the Future IV: I'm My Own Daddy!

 

11> 9 1/2 Teeth

 

10> Three to Tango -- But Two Have to Hold the Cow Steady So

You Don't Get Knocked Off The Foot Stool

 

9> And the Band Played "Freebird"

 

8> Three Brides for Seven Brothers

 

7> Dog, Ma

 

6> Honey, I Blew My Cousin!

 

5> Three Men and Ned Beatty

 

4> Austin Texas:  The Uncle Who Shagged Me

 

3> Being John Deere

 

2> How Stella Got Her Tooth Back

 

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Favorite Redneck Movie...

 

1> The Green Smile

 

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