Steff

:headshake

And suddenly Joe Nobody can't get a tee time anywhere...

Subject: Man of the House The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The f***ing funeral director," said his wife. ********************** A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." ***************************** An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Everytime the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." ***************************** Future Pizza ordering procedure How we will order pizza in the not too distant future... Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order." Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir." Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order 2 large All-Meat Special pizzas." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then." Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. Your total is $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn." Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up. Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2008 conviction for cussing out a cop." Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke". Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings The proctologist called >...they found your head Everyone has a photographic memory some just don't have any film. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me," Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself Hang up and drive!! And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!! Welcome to America ...now speak English

Right. That was messed up. They married and had 21 kids between them. And the 2 houses.. 3 days here.. 3 days there.. weird.

I was watching the Autopsy show on HBO the other night.. and they had a story on about the twins from China who were the actual "Siamese Twins" and that they had wanted to be separated but since doctors had no idea how the patch of skin that connected them at the chest effected their body functions (it was initially thought that they shared a liver - they didn't) and that the LE back then was 35.. they lived into their 70's I believe.

Jim was talking to Finny and her husband near the visitors clubhouse door and they saw the entire thing... they just shook their heads like this.. --> :headshake I don't remember if he said anything but "whoops". I wasn't really paying attention to the words coming outta his mouth...

"Steff from Park Ridge"... No.. that's not me but I know her. She's actually a Cub fan, but she's a pretty nice gal. AM1000 is my station of choice when I want to call and gripe..

No time for AZ this spring. Going to Florida instead to screw up the Yanks..

LOL... That's mild compared to some of the things we (Jim and I) have said to him. I asked him what it felt like to hear the buzzer go off every time he got into an elevator..

Tex.. thank you very much. I found out she did not break her hip but actually just the ball joint that connects the hip to the pelvis. Less trama, less recovery and PT time.. but way more painful. I called her room this morning to talk to my aunt and she answered the phone.. she's so drugged up.. she barely knew who I was. :-( My aunt said she is very doped up - which I guess is necessary - that she barely remembers her name (my aunts). I don't know why, but I feel so sad after hearing her voice. My grama and I have gotten much closer since my grandfather passed away 3 years ago and with her depression Jim and I have been going down to Florida to see her 3 times a year to keep her spirits up. She was just here in October to see our new house. For some reason I have always worked hard to make her the proudest of me (first grand-daughter to graduate college ). I've modeled my life after hers in many ways. Sorry for the sentimental crapola... and thank you all for taking the time to express your well wishes. I truly appreciate it.

Ziiiinnnnnggggg!!! It was before the Yankee series... maybe he was stunned by my intense beauty.. Naaa... that can't be it.

Busted!!! Honestly, I had no idea he was there. The players are usually not out there. Hiding around the corner... that's a good idea

Well, well... look what the cat dragged in.. Glad you finally found your way. If only you had asked Pat for help earlier.. And thanks for the well wishes. Despite the injury, she seems to be in good spirits. It's going to be a long road, but hopefully she'll be OK.

I'll figure something out.

Yea.. well now this time conflicts with me personally... You guys are just so scared that I'm gonna kick your asses you'll do anything to try to screw me up. :headshake

Jason.. this is the PM you sent me... Hey Steff I just set up our weekly fantasy league. The league id is: The league name is: The password is: Draft is Tuesday March 9th at 3:00 PM Eastern Time Hopefully thats all the info I need to provide and hopefully it works This is bad because I have plans on Saturday and wont be home..

To see Sidney and the family. And him and Jim have a yearly golf battle. I wonder if the extra weight will effect his swing....

He's trying to become a better poster by using proper grammar..

We're going down to Florida. Taking the baby to Bush Gardens for the first time... And we're hitting O's camp for a few days.

If your debit card has a Visa or MC logo on it, it does.

I already wore it... Sleepwear

Oh really...? Nope. Keeping my "fat ass" to myself.

Bo's been there for the past 4 years. He helps out with hitting. edited to add.. I think it's been longer than that, but I'm not sure. I know he was there in '97 and '98 too, but I don't know about '99.

And be sure to tell them that Dick Allen sent you..