...to go to a wake?

 

Our Parish Priest passed away Friday after a short battle with cancer. The wake is tonight. My 4 1/2 year old daughter was semi close to him - she'd talk to him and give him a hug every Sunday after mass. She says she understands what has happened and that he has gone up to heaven. She even had a girl in her school's Dad die from a heart attack and asked me if she could pray for him. (I held it together until I put her to bed and then cried my eyes out)

 

So, would it be crazy to take her there? Yes, it's open casket. It's at the church, so it's not like we'd be staring at the body the entire time.

...to go to a wake?

 

Our Parish Priest passed away Friday after a short battle with cancer. The wake is tonight. My 4 1/2 year old daughter was semi close to him - she'd talk to him and give him a hug every Sunday after mass. She says she understands what has happened and that he has gone up to heaven. She even had a girl in her school's Dad die from a heart attack and asked me if she could pray for him. (I held it together until I put her to bed and then cried my eyes out)

 

So, would it be crazy to take her there? Yes, it's open casket. It's at the church, so it's not like we'd be staring at the body the entire time.

 

Obviously you know her better than we do, but from your description, she sunds like she can handle it and act appropriately. I was about 4-5 when I saw my first one (no, check that - I was less than 1 but I don't remember it.) I think it's a good opportunity to talk about death and for her to say goodbye to your priest.

I'm the last person that would know, but I'd take her. I'd just make sure she knows that the body will be in plain view if you think she won't be able to handle it or if it will come as a surprise to her.

Wow. I don't know that there is a right answer for something like this. As long as she is old enough to understand what is going on, and how she has to act at an event like this, I would say it was OK. It really depends from kid to kid.

I was around 4 when I went to my first wake (grandpa then two aunts in succession). It sounds like she has a good understanding about death and has a healthy way to deal with it (her conversations with you and prayer). I don't necessarily think a wake will bring closure, but I think it's always healthy to have a place and time where grief can be expressed and shared.

 

As twisted as it sounds, I think that my parents taking me to a lot of wakes when I was little (my grandmother was from a large family, so from age 4 on, I probably went to about a wake a year) really helped me understand death and have a healthy perspective on grief.

 

I remember at my first wake my grandmother said, when I was viewing the body/casket that "It's not really Pops, that's just a shell and he is in heaven." It was a good explanation and I think it helped me move on and not see death as some scary thing that just takes people away and never getting to say goodbye. So, if you think she can handle then I think it's a good idea.

Being Jewish, the whole open casket thing is weird to me. I've been to two open casket wakes and they both made me feel uncomfortable. I don't think there is a good answer to this question. I think by asking us, it may mean that you aren't sure, and if that's the case, I would err on the side of caution and say don't bring her.

 

But, she's your daughter, and if she understands, then maybe she'll be ok?

Nothing more I hate than an open casket. The person never looks close to what you remember them as, and the vision of them laying there looking all distorted will always be burned into your brain.

Luckily, I've never had anyone even remotely close to me pass away. I've only been to two wakes and those were well into my adult life. I remember my knees were knocking and I felt light headed as I stood next to the casket both times. Maybe if I'd had the experience at a younger age, I would have been able to handle it better.

Your daughter sounds like she has a good understanding of what has happened.

I'd bring her but watch how she handles it. Hopefully the crowd will be understanding of any questions that someone her age might ask. Some questions may even be shocking or inappropriate. Which later will be a hilarious family story.

 

Has she asked to go? How did this become a decision? I would consider skipping it if she hasn't asked.

Learning about death is important, but I don't know if she will understand it quite yet.

 

I'd say 6 would be as young as you should go for taking kids to funerals/wakes.

I'd bring her but watch how she handles it. Hopefully the crowd will be understanding of any questions that someone her age might ask. Some questions may even be shocking or inappropriate. Which later will be a hilarious family story.

 

Has she asked to go? How did this become a decision? I would consider skipping it if she hasn't asked.

 

She hasn't asked. I don't know if she even know we're going. She knows about wakes and funerals, though. (We live next to a funeral home)

 

I think she can handle it. I guess the reason I ask is I don't want to be looked at funny by taking her. If it was her grandfather or someone closer I don't think people would think twice about it, but someone that's not a blood relative...

Luckilly I've never had a family member pass away in my 21 years (knock on wood) so I don't know what it'll be like when that happens. I've been to only a few, one was a kid that was younger than me by a grade which was the strangest and one of the saddest things I've ever been to. The first one I went to was when I was 12, now that's a lot older than 4 but I think it was something that was a good experience to have. But with her being 4 that'll be something she'll always remember. I don't think it'd be a bad idea to take her there, it's part of the grieving process whether someone is 4 or 104.

I have had many family members, close family memebers of best friends, friends and sister's best friend. It sucks just seeing them there. its good to remember, but it always sucks.

She hasn't asked. I don't know if she even know we're going. She knows about wakes and funerals, though. (We live next to a funeral home)

 

I think she can handle it. I guess the reason I ask is I don't want to be looked at funny by taking her. If it was her grandfather or someone closer I don't think people would think twice about it, but someone that's not a blood relative...

I don't think it would be odd. My maternal grandparents both died recently and a lot of people brought kids (even some that weren't related to us) and the kids were a really nice diversion for us (the family). And they bring cheer and life to an otherwise not so cheerful and lively situation.

She hasn't asked. I don't know if she even know we're going. She knows about wakes and funerals, though. (We live next to a funeral home)

 

I think she can handle it. I guess the reason I ask is I don't want to be looked at funny by taking her. If it was her grandfather or someone closer I don't think people would think twice about it, but someone that's not a blood relative...

 

I always try to think what is the proper behavior and is my child capable of that behavior on an average day. Which is why I thought of the questions or comments she may make that others might not believe are appropriate. As long as she has the maturity to handle the experience, only someone without a clue would complain or look at you funny. If it seems like you are taking her for some less respectful reason, then maybe.

I don't think it would be odd. My maternal grandparents both died recently and a lot of people brought kids (even some that weren't related to us) and the kids were a really nice diversion for us (the family). And they bring cheer and life to an otherwise not so cheerful and lively situation.

 

Completely agree with both of your posts on this. When my grama died earlier this year almost every child in the immediate and extended family came and it was much different than any other wake I had been to before. Made it a bit more tolerable for me as I was extremely close to her.

I don't think it would be odd. My maternal grandparents both died recently and a lot of people brought kids (even some that weren't related to us) and the kids were a really nice diversion for us (the family). And they bring cheer and life to an otherwise not so cheerful and lively situation.

 

Thanks, Soxy. That's a really nice thing to say. Well put.

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My daughter's been to wakes since she was 4 and she's always handled it well.

She doesn't get creeped out, and she's no sadder than anyone else there.

I agree with the others, though - it's your call on what you think your child can handle. No one else's, so don't be swayed either way once you decide.

Update: We didn't go at all. The weather was just too bad. I wasn't about to take 3 kids under the age of 5 out in it. (The other two were going to a babysitter) We got more then a foot of snow. Thanks for all your suggestions and opinions.