So let me get this straight CW...she cheated on you a long time ago? You've been dating for a while and you found out somehow that she cheated on you a long time ago? Things were fine since she stopped until you accidentally found out?

 

I'm not a huge fan of marriage or the modern idea of how couples "should" be together. I'm also not into open relationships, but I question whether humans have evolved enough to where being with one other person your entire life is healthy...

 

 

That completely got by me. If you've been together for 3 1/2 years and the affair happened in say the first 6 months, it's possible this can be repaired (IMO) with some counseling.

So let me get this straight CW...she cheated on you a long time ago? You've been dating for a while and you found out somehow that she cheated on you a long time ago? Things were fine since she stopped until you accidentally found out?

 

It was not a long time ago, but it was not current. It happened after we were engaged, so it was definitely not an early period.

 

I shouldn't have said 'early' that in the previous post.

Edited February 24, 201214 yr by CrimsonWeltall

But a good point to be made is this. If she did it once, what's to say that she didn't continue to do it or is even still doing it? I mean, you can't trust her opinion on it.

 

No, but this person did, for the most part, exit her life. He was a significant (10+ year) ex who she had severe dependency issues with. She left him for me, but did not move on properly.

Like in the movie Casino.

I hearken back to a young 3E8 getting dumped because his girl liked someone else. I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, saying "but I'll never find someone else as good as her", and doing embarrassing things to try and win her back. I want to go back in time and never stop punching that 3E8 in the face.

 

CW is in shock still. Because this is his first relationship, I think he is finding it especially hard to trust us over his feelings right now.

 

Can I punch time machine 3E8 in the face with you?

CW, I went through similar experiences in my last relationship. I guess it would depend upon the exact circumstances. There was a point in that relationship where I felt like I "cheated" even though we were technically broken up, because we were still hanging out. I told her about it, we spend some time apart, and eventually let bygones be bygones. We were fine and had ultimate trust between ourselves.

 

That's the thing though...if it was a one-time fling where she lost control, that can be overcome. If she did it multiple times, it's quite a bit harder to get over that, especially if it was with different partners. And if it's the multiple partners, I would suggest exactly what Steve said. Well, it's either that or the drinking/lifting thing. Although I found that the drinking really didn't help until the day after, because the hangover only kept my mind focused on the fact that I felt like absolute dogs***.

No, but this person did, for the most part, exit her life. He was a significant (10+ year) ex who she had severe dependency issues with. She left him for me, but did not move on properly.

Give yourself some time man. I know you're in shock right now, but making excuses for her like this isn't healthy or logical.

Give yourself some time man. I know you're in shock right now, but making excuses for her like this isn't healthy or logical.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that I think it's excusable or justifiable in any way. It's clearly not.

I'm really sorry to hear about all of this. I don't know how I would react if I was in your situation, I've had gf's cheat on me before but never an engagement. You gotta ask yourself if you could ever trust her fully again, and if you can't, do you really want to have a lifetime commitment with this woman? You gotta give yourself a break from everything and you'll figure out exactly what's best for you. Obviously this is easier said than done, but this will be a huge test and everyone here knows you can overcome this. When my ex informed me she was cheating on me I started doing p90x2 and I love it. It's made me feel so much better about myself. You just have to find something you love to do and it'll work out for you.

There's a general consensus (understandable) of leave leave leave.

 

I'm curious if anyone who's been through this has attempted to save a relationship which was damaged by cheating through couples therapy or other methods.

 

I wouldn't make such a decision until I've done the things I need to do (leave, get personal therapy) and get myself in a sound mental/emotional state again, but I'm interested to know others' experiences.

 

You're going to feel that you can still salvage or should salvage the relationship. To me, a relationship is like a computer. Say your hard drive goes bad, but you can have it repaired(not replaced) and run Windows off of it again. There's a good chance that hard drive will end up damaged again and again and again. It's always best to replace the hard drive instead.

 

Some days, you're going to feel like you're crazy, but you're not. Enjoy your alone time, and be you. In relationships, we always lose ourselves bending over for the ones we love. Well now, you have the opportunity to stand up straight and become yourself.

 

I suggest watching (500) Days of Summer. It sounds like a chick flick, but just watch it and in the end, you'll know why I suggested it.

A thought that always comforted me when I was single was this...

 

Women outnumber us like 8-1. Subtract the dudes who like dudes and the chicks who like chicks, and the ratio should be about the same.

 

The odds are in our favor.

 

It's her loss if she dumps you.

 

You can recover and trade up.

8-1?

8-1?

 

It's somewhere in that ballpark.

It's somewhere in that ballpark.

Women are something like 52% of the population.

A thought that always comforted me when I was single was this...

 

Women outnumber us like 8-1. Subtract the dudes who like dudes and the chicks who like chicks, and the ratio should be about the same.

 

The odds are in our favor.

 

It's her loss if she dumps you.

 

You can recover and trade up.

I need to move down to Alabama...

I need to move down to Alabama...

nah you dont, it's just the public school system at work down there.

nah you dont, it's just the public school system at work down there.

 

Aah, an a$$hole New Yorker with an inflated sense of superiority. Yeah, I didn't go to a public school. I did private and magnate schools, so don't go assuming I'm an idiot.

Women are something like 52% of the population.

 

On a whole or nationally, yes. But apparently in bigger cities, the ratio is much more dramatic.

Aah, an a$$hole New Yorker with an inflated sense of superiority. Yeah, I didn't go to a public school. I did private and magnate schools, so don't go assuming I'm an idiot.

haha it was a joke. sorry to offend

haha it was a joke. sorry to offend

 

Sorry to overreact. "Stupid southerner" jokes tend to hit a nerve.

On a whole or nationally, yes. But apparently in bigger cities, the ratio is much more dramatic.

 

Yeah maybe to like 1.5:1 but not 8:1

Yeah maybe to like 1.5:1 but not 8:1

Birmingham is 51.6% female. 1.5 to 1 would be 60% female.

I think you guys are taking this way too seriously.

I think you guys are taking this way too seriously.

When do I ever chime in on something without doing so?

Birmingham is 51.6% female. 1.5 to 1 would be 60% female.

 

That's only accounting for Birmingham proper. There's another 1.5 million or so people who live in the suburbs in a 20 mile radius of Birmingham, like me.

 

Going due south, Birmingham becomes Homewood, then Vestavia Hills, then Hoover (where the Barons play), then Pelham (where I live), then Alabaster. Alabaster is about 20 miles south of the B'ham city limits. There's no drop off, you'd think it was all one city. Almost all of Jefferson County and most of Shelby County are city, there's not much rural area.

Edited February 26, 201214 yr by JPN366