Relationship Advice Thread

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

Don't fall for the guilt trip. that is BS.

 

I wish what happened last night was like my first impression of her, because I would think this girl is f***ing insane and never have to worry about her again, but the fact that we have gotten so close this summer and talk soooo much, that I feel like an asshole if I abandon her, because she already probably hates guys to begin with. Such a f***ed up situation. This s*** has never happened to me before in my life. I mean, I've fallen for girls and had it not work out, but never in a situation like this, and never with a girl that I feel the need to take care of. I mean, I am such a sucker for helping out girls in distress. I've been known at parties to go and comfort a crying girl and spend the rest of my time with her trying to make it better. I don't know why I do that s***, but it's like so internalized for me that I can't help it. Like it's driving me nuts right now to think how sad she probably is right now about what happened last night and how I am kind of being s***ty with her right now. It's going to be on my mind all god damned day. I need some White Sox baseball to start to get my mind off this s***!

[southsider2k5]

That is the schtick. She has put you in a situation where she is the victim, and you feel obligated to take care of her. Like I said originally, I really believe it is some sort of self-esteem issue where she creates situations to be "needed". Don't get sucked into the web. You saw it first hand last night, the girl has some big problems. No matter what happens, it will be a disaster. I have been there and done that before.

[bigruss]

Joe, of course it's up to you to decide but honestly it ain't worth it. And I know how that whole "gotta make sure the girl is okay, I don't want to be an asshole" shtick goes, mainly because Im am very much the same way.

 

But one thing you have to realize, that even if you two do start going out, if it doesn't work out on your end then you'll be in even more of a s***ty situation since you'll still have that internal "want to save her" but at the same time you're not happy. If that makes sense. I went through a similar situation with an ex, we dated about 2.5 years and the last 3 months or so was me not wanting to break up with her because she really didn't have another emotional output besides me at the time. And wouldn't yea know it, she turned from being one of the nicest girls I knew to being a little b**** because that was the only way she knew how to handle it. It's been over a year since we broke up, she has a new boyfriend, and I had to delete her number from my phone and block her because she's still upset that I made her go through a breakup when she didn't have any other close friends.

[bigruss]

That is the schtick. She has put you in a situation where she is the victim, and you feel obligated to take care of her. Like I said originally, I really believe it is some sort of self-esteem issue where she creates situations to be "needed". Don't get sucked into the web. You saw it first hand last night, the girl has some big problems. No matter what happens, it will be a disaster. I have been there and done that before.

Wise man here ^

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

I agree with everything you guys are saying, I just hope I have enough will power to resist getting sucked in to her again.

[southsider2k5]

I agree with everything you guys are saying, I just hope I have enough will power to resist getting sucked in to her again.

 

Real life is never as easy as someone else's. Good luck bro. I hope it all works out for you.

[ChiSox_Sonix]

Dude, stop. Seriously.

 

First of all, she has a boyfriend, so that should be enough to stop as is, but since it's not here goes...

 

What makes you think that if she breaks up with him she wouldn't do that to you? I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but what makes you special? Someone does it once, or multiple times, why do you think they'd just stop?

 

She clearly has issues, mentally, emotionally, self-awareness, maturity, self-respect etc...Don't play the healer role. You can't fix people or change people. Everyone thinks they can and everyone meets someone thinking they're the one to do it but you just can't. Not trying to sound harsh, but that's kinda the reality of it unfortunately.

 

She's 20, she doesn't know what she wants. She clearly likes the attention you give her and it makes her feel good about herself. She may be doing this in the most non-malicious way possible, but she's using you for that attention. Whether she knows it or not, it's clear that is what is going on.

 

Also, you gotta ask yourself, do you really feel the way you think you do about her or are you just infatuated at this point. You just saw a real f***ed up side of her - did that change anything? Don't make excuses for her either, that just ends up hurting yourself.

 

I was in a similar situation last summer/winter with someone of similar age. Without getting into it, it ended up screwing me over once and then I allowed myself to get brought back in when she broke up with her ex again (she got back with him after, probably during, we were hanging out). She kinda kept me around with occasional messages and that s***. I saw what was going on again and stopped it. Yeah, it was hard at first because we used to talk so often, but it had to be like that. I stopped talking to her, removed her from facebook and everything. I still don't think anything she did was done maliciously, rather ignorantly, but that's the problem with girls like that. I've talked to her only a few times since (once her uncle died so I contacted her and she texted me on my birthday recently) and ya sometimes think about her but it's better this way. And it will be in the long run and that's what you have to see. I see nothing developing ever out of your scenario. Could you have a little fun with it for a bit? Of course, I could see it happening. But you're gonna end up hurt and pissed you didn't listen to anyone or to yourself.

 

That may have come across a little harsh, but I've kinda been there, and others here have said similar things. Don't ignore the obvious becuase it's not the answer you want to hear. Can you even trust her after everything that's gone on? People are only as good as their word, and the sooner you realize that the better.

Edited July 7, 2011 by ChiSox_Sonix

[BigSqwert]

Some fantastic advice in here from everyone, Joe. There is little upside to pursuing this girl. Someday you'll learn that dating the girls that bring in the least amount of drama/negativity/headaches will be what makes you the happiest. There truly are a ton of girls out there like that.

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

Dude, stop. Seriously.

 

First of all, she has a boyfriend, so that should be enough to stop as is, but since it's not here goes...

 

What makes you think that if she breaks up with him she wouldn't do that to you? I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but what makes you special? Someone does it once, or multiple times, why do you think they'd just stop?

 

She clearly has issues, mentally, emotionally, self-awareness, maturity, self-respect etc...Don't play the healer role. You can't fix people or change people. Everyone thinks they can and everyone meets someone thinking they're the one to do it but you just can't. Not trying to sound harsh, but that's kinda the reality of it unfortunately.

 

She's 20, she doesn't know what she wants. She clearly likes the attention you give her and it makes her feel good about herself. She may be doing this in the most non-malicious way possible, but she's using you for that attention. Whether she knows it or not, it's clear that is what is going on.

 

Also, you gotta ask yourself, do you really feel the way you think you do about her or are you just infatuated at this point. You just saw a real f***ed up side of her - did that change anything? Don't make excuses for her either, that just ends up hurting yourself.

 

I was in a similar situation last summer/winter with someone of similar age. Without getting into it, it ended up screwing me over once and then I allowed myself to get brought back in when she broke up with her ex again (she got back with him after, probably during, we were hanging out). She kinda kept me around with occasional messages and that s***. I saw what was going on again and stopped it. Yeah, it was hard at first because we used to talk so often, but it had to be like that. I stopped talking to her, removed her from facebook and everything. I still don't think anything she did was done maliciously, rather ignorantly, but that's the problem with girls like that. I've talked to her only a few times since (once her uncle died so I contacted her and she texted me on my birthday recently) and ya sometimes think about her but it's better this way. And it will be in the long run and that's what you have to see. I see nothing developing ever out of your scenario. Could you have a little fun with it for a bit? Of course, I could see it happening. But you're gonna end up hurt and pissed you didn't listen to anyone or to yourself.

 

That may have come across a little harsh, but I've kinda been there, and others here have said similar things. Don't ignore the obvious becuase it's not the answer you want to hear. Can you even trust her after everything that's gone on? People are only as good as their word, and the sooner you realize that the better.

 

No, that's not harsh, because that's the stuff I think about as well. Let me be clear, I don't "love" this girl, or even pretend to. Like you said, I think I am just really infatuated with her. And I don't really even want to date her, for reasons everyone else has mentioned (likely to cheat), but also because she already lives 25 minutes away (yeah, not that far, but for college kids with no money for gas, it is. lol), and I am going back to school 3 hours away in a little over a month. I think I am just so infatuated with her, and so entertained and happy to talk to/see her, that I know I am going to miss it. Hopefully this will all go away when I go to school and go at least a month without seeing her. I'm sure she will still text me, but maybe we can just drift apart or something.

 

Also, let it be known that I know it's s***ty that she has a boyfriend and I talk to her, but I also make it a point to never engage the conversations with her. I always wait for her to text me first, and then I often won't even respond to something she says, and then she will text me 15 minutes later saying "Joejoejoejoejoe" warranting a "yeah?" or "whats up?" response, and then the conversation continues until I fail to respond again. I purposefully make sure she is the one who comes to me so I can't be blamed for "not leaving her alone" or "trying to get with a girl with a boyfriend". Not saying I don't have any blame to take for asking her to come over after the Sox game yesterday, but I always makes sure there is at least a 3rd person with us so she doesn't feel like I am trying to do anything with her. I mean, yesterday was only the second time we have seen eachother outside of work, and when we see eachother at work, it's almost always because SHE comes over and talks to me. I never make an effort to seek her out and talk. I'm trying to be as "hard to get" as I can, without just ignoring her or being a dick.

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

Some fantastic advice in here from everyone, Joe. There is little upside to pursuing this girl. Someday you'll learn that dating the girls that bring in the least amount of drama/negativity/headaches will be what makes you the happiest. There truly are a ton of girls out there like that.

 

Which is funny you mention that because that IS what drew me to her. When we would just work together and before I became her "outlet" for her sadness, she seemed like the most down to Earth girl in a while. She was almost like a tomboy in the sense that she likes playing video games, is funny, prefers to hang out with boys and thinks most girls are b****y and annoying. Like I loved how dramatic she WASN'T and then shortly after we started texting eachother all the time, she was slowly opening up to me about her life and then would text me that she was crying and all that s***, and then yesterday when she was drunk she completely boiled over with emotions. It's like the opposite of the girl I knew simply from work. Ahhh, it's screwy. Anyway, I just mowed the lawn and that didn't help me take my mind off of her. I need to go take a shower and then go to the BMV and maybe the mechanic. Hopefully I can forget about this for a few hours, or until she randomly texts me again.

[Steve9347]

Lots of jokes about her "grabbing my nuts" and me "nutting on her" with the bag of peanuts that I brought.

That'll do it every time.

[RockRaines]

No offense, but she wouldnt be with you if she broke up with him anyway. Its time to just think of her as a huge slut, maybe bang her once or twice and forget about it. She's not he type of girl you date bro. If for some reason you would end up dating her (not likely) she would cheat on you and lie to you about it.

[Steve9347]

f***ing nuts. I have never seen her act like this. I know it should be a no-brainer that I never talk to this chick again, especially after episode she had at my house, but we work together, and we text eachother for hours on end each day. So it's going to be hard to just completely cut her off, and with someone who has some many emotional problems, I don't want to make things worse by just ditching her. I don't think I will ever let her drink so much around me again, that's for damn sure. I don't care that I got to see her tits almost the whole night (and they are spectacular B cups by the way, for such a little body), because that was a scary hour or so of her melting down.

This chick is just a little brat, and completely bad news. Stay away.

[Uman85]

So I was talking to this girl for the past couple of weeks and was thinking about dating her until I asked her if she could do me a favor and text vote for Paulie to get into the All-Star Game. She said she wouldn't because she's a Reds fan and all her players are all-stars. I told her, "Well, Paulie's an all-star and you're not. See ya!"

 

[Steve9347]

I feel like an asshole if I abandon her

You mean the chick who texts her boyfriend whenever she's with you? She's playing you for attention.

[kjshoe04]

Run, Joe, Run.

[clyons]

JC --

 

There are numerous signs flashing at you in blinding neon light, all of which read: RUN FAST. RUN FAR.

 

Seriously, you sound like too nice a guy to get ensnared in all this psycho-drama. Nothing is worth that.

 

She was likley nuts long before she met you, and will remain nuts long after you're gone from the picture. There's nothing you can do to change that, and therefore nothing assholic whatsoever about checking out immediately. Its completely the best thing for you to do.

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

So I was talking to this girl for the past couple of weeks and was thinking about dating her until I asked her if she could do me a favor and text vote for Paulie to get into the All-Star Game. She said she wouldn't because she's a Reds fan and all her players are all-stars. I told her, "Well, Paulie's an all-star and you're not. See ya!"

 

 

Haha. Pale Hose before Ho's.

[The Sir]

If you are looking for a relationship (and judging by your posts, you were) than you never want to start you relationship with someone when they are already in a relationship.

 

I have to laugh at people who steal their girlfriends from other dudes and then somehow believe they'll be faithful to them. I've known guys who found their girlfriends this way and I had a guy d it to me. And I'm not jealous of any of them. You really think you stole their heart and made them fall in love with you? You didn't. You found a whore. Somebody else's whore, and now "your" whore. And you're going to be cheated on next. Hell, I know for a fact that my unfaithful ex has already cheated on her new boyfriend.

 

P.S. this rant is directed at anyone on this thread. Just a rant about relationships in general.

 

Now to read JCM's new updates...

[Uman85]

Haha. Pale Hose before Ho's.

 

That's right!

[The Sir]

Joe, you seem like a good guy. That being said, if you keep talking to this girl, you're only going to have yourself to blame when you end up getting hurt. Lay it out for her and tell her how you feel, or don't say anything and just avoid her (I'd suggest the latter). Don't respond to her texts, don't talk to her if she approaches you. Don't have anything to do with her. She is bad news.

[nitetrain8601]

I agree with everything you guys are saying, I just hope I have enough will power to resist getting sucked in to her again.

 

Wow bro, run! I've had similar episodes with that one girl I posted about. It'll get worse. $20 says she texts you about her offing herself so you can get worked up, give her a bunch of attention and in the end, you find out it was literally nothing but her wanting so much attention.

[nitetrain8601]

What the f***?

 

When I told her that, I didn't mean it literally. I told her I have no reason to conversate with her and I know she's just using me for attention that her bf is there for. I also told her, I didn't care for her situation anymore, to not bother contacting me, I wasn't interested in being her friend or having any relationship with her. She then kept sending me pictures of concerts she was going to which annoyed me. so that's when I told her what she should do.

 

As far as the accident, it was a driving one apparently. Don't know much about it other than a semi was involved. My buddy was talking to her, even though I didn't want him to. It got to the point, where I didn't care as long as he didn't try to talk about her or with her around me. He didn't talk to her on a daily or weekly basis, just randomly. He found out a day after it happened on facebook and called me immediately and wanted to know if I wanted to pay my respects, but I didn't have any respect for her anymore. So I said it was better that I left that alone. My girlfriend was shocked, but that whole situation was tumultuous and unhealthy.

 

She claimed all the things that Joe has claimed this girl has in his posts. Many were lies. She also had a huge tendency to talk about all of her friends very negatively, as well as her bf behind their backs. Like seriously, I would have no idea these people were her friends.

[nitetrain8601]

JC --

 

There are numerous signs flashing at you in blinding neon light, all of which read: RUN FAST. RUN FAR.

 

Seriously, you sound like too nice a guy to get ensnared in all this psycho-drama. Nothing is worth that.

 

She was likley nuts long before she met you, and will remain nuts long after you're gone from the picture. There's nothing you can do to change that, and therefore nothing assholic whatsoever about checking out immediately. Its completely the best thing for you to do.

 

Yes, but if this is the first time he's been in this situation, then despite us telling him what he shouldn't do, he's going to do it anyway. It's very hard to resist such temptation. Honestly Joe, just hit it a few times, make her cook you eggs, and then bounce.

[greg775]

Oh yeah, and updates from today. She texted me at like 6 AM and thanked me for helping her out last night and she said she was sorry for acting like that and embarrassed we had to see that, and also said he phone is now working, just a little messed up. I told her "You're welcome. I smell like you and UV Blue though" Because she spilled UV all down my shirt when we were watching the movie. Then then said " I'm sorry! My fist really hurts though". Then, trying to sound detached and trying not to act like everything is fine said....

 

Me: "We tried to stop you."

Her: "It's not your fault. I have way too much emotion when I'm drunk. I never wanted you guys to see me like that. Please don't be upset me with."

Me: "It's whatever"

Her: " I'll leave you alone"

 

 

And now I feel bad. But I think pretty soon I am just going to have to lay it all out for her and tell her how I feel and why it's so f***ed up and everything. It will be pretty awkward at work after that, I'm sure, but I only have a little over a month until I go back to school, and we only usually work once, maybe twice a week together, so I will just have to deal with the awkwardness.

 

OK I just read your interesting saga and I've been through this before.

You telling me how you were jealous of your buddy poking her and her grabbing his nuts tells me IMMEDIATELY you are hooked on this girl. You want sex with this girl you want to date this girl.

She, by not yet jumping into bed with you, for whatever reason does not want to date you, maybe doesn't even ever want sex with you.

 

I have done this before with girls that don't return the favor. They want to talk and spill their guts; they don't want to f***.

I am thinking the only way this will end is when you go back to school (didn't you say you are 30 miles away with school?) and forget about her, because if my experiences are true, you are not going to stop wanting her and yes, wanting to date her.

 

The smart thing to do would be to tell her you want her, because the response you are going to get will finally end it. I don't think she wants you sexually. If she did she wouldn't be flirting with your buddy; she'd have been all over you in the pool.

 

The only way to end it is to make a move physically and get rejected by her. Then she won't be texting you much any more. That's my take. You want her; I don't think she wants you. If you want to continue to be her emotional support, fine, but don't expect to ever date her. And she is VERY troubled if she did that rage stuff even when drunk.

 

I do hope you get to have sex with her if that's what you want. These stories don't usually end that way. She wants you around for support, but hey, she's flirting with your buddy, giving him nibbles on the arm, etc. That is not good.

 

One time I finally drunk made the moves on somebody like this who was dating somebody else; she quickly let me know that wasn't in the cards and at least I emotinally got to move on and I hung out with her some cause she liked to do the things I liked to do, but I FINALLY was over the fantasy and better off for it.

Edited July 7, 2011 by greg775