The Critic

I base my cheering on which loser is more cocky - if the woman is like, "I KNOW I ain't been wit' nobody else, so's YOU da Daddy!", then I root for a negative test. If the man's like, "That baby ain't mine's, she don't look nuh'in like me! How I know you ain't been ho'in aroun' wit everybody??" then I root for a positive. But in the back of my mind, I know that poor kid doesn't stand a chance in life, since his/her parent(s) are willing to air out their dirty laundry on Trash TV shows like that.

Motorhead is still great to me, but I won't be seeing this show. By the way, summer is nothing if not Geezer Concert Season! You have the high-priced AARP concerts like Jimmy Buffett, the Eagles, Billy Joel, Elton John and Fleetwood Mac, who rape the wallets of their 50-year-old + followers. Then you have your LoopFests and things like that, where such dinosaurs as REO Speedwagon, Styx, Sammy Hagar and that ilk drag their rotting carcasses out on stage to grab a few dollars for their kids to spend after they're dead. Next you have the third tier of has-beens, such as .38 Special, Peter Frampton and that type of fossil, who grace the neighborhood festival circuit every summer, "headlining" over the '80s hairband tributes and Beatles cover bands. The only high-profile "new music" concerts are the OzzFests and Summer Sanitarium shows, and invariably there is only one band I give half-a-s*** about on any of these shows. The summer concert season is f***ing depressing. Every year. Without fail.

If he costs money, he won't be here. I'm not sure if he's the guy I'd want anyway. The Sox can use a reliable starter in the 4 or 5 slot though, for sure.

Listen for Maury PinStripes and Guido at tonight's game! Maury asked me to go, but I got that goddamned SARS the last couple of days, so I'm stuck at home!! Let's just PRAY that we don't see a drunken MPS trying to get at JM if things are going badly!! THAT is a sight America does NOT need to see!!

Hey, at least the game ends up 4-3 and not 6-4 the wrong way!!! Rock's doing the job for them, and that's honestly something I could never see him doing here. I'm happy for him - everything I've heard about him leads me to think he's a good guy.

As Hawkeroo might say, "Ah looooooooove havin' 2 TVs!" I watch the ballgame/NHL playoffs, she watches American High School Talent Show, and everybody's happy! Plus, she completely avoids my smartass remarks, and that's good for ME, too...

All of them? PLEASE? f***ing half-assed high school talent show... ...and that has-been no-talent Paula Abdul...yeah, YOU tell people whether or not they can sing...

I'm not sure which is scarier now, Frank fielding first or Daubach's .184 average. I know this is going to come off as wishful thinking, but I just cannot believe that Daubach's bat won't come around. This guy has been too good of a hitter to just collapse. Of course, that's what we're all saying about Frank, too... As for Frank's fielding, maybe it's worth the gamble to try to get his bat going again. He has historically hit better when he has played defense - or at least when he has stood in the field when the other team bats. The Sox need offense, and maybe Frank needs something else to think about other than umpires.

Do you know if it's treatable, or is it a chronic thing? Should they play Frank or Daubach at 1B and DH Paul to reduce the pounding on his hip? Or if it's affecting him that much, and it can be treated either with rest or medical procedure, shouldn't PK just shut it down for a while and try to get healthy? I like PK, but if he's not at 100%, maybe the team should take him out of the lineup for a while.

I'm just pissed that Jerry Manuel wasn't even interviewed for the Marlins job!!! ...ohhhhhh that's right....he's not gone yet....

Here is the label they should put on Oreos: This is a bag of COOKIES. Cookies are NOT health food. Cookies are NOT meant to be eaten instead of a well-balanced meal. Cookies are NOT meant to be eaten a bag at a time. Cookies will NOT kill you IF you have an ounce of self-control. If you do NOT have an ounce of self-control, and you are such an out-of-control overeating f***head that you have to rely on the courts to regulate your eating habits by force, then please throw yourself under a train. You will be doing the world, and YOURSELF, a huge favor." "If you try to hide your dietary weaknesses behind some bulls*** story of protecting children from our product, then throw yourself under TWO trains."

Mariotti is a f***tard. Any one of us on this board could have ( and some HAVE ) written that same exact column, only without the inane blabber and stupid nicknames. Mariotti is a simpleton who writes the easiest thing to say about any situation, and rarely offers up a working solution. He's all stupid nicknames and comparing irrelevant situations - in my mind, what the Cubs are or aren't doing holds no bearing in what Reinsdorf should do to salvage a sinking season. On those RARE occasions when Mariotti does say "this or that should be done", he will ONLY refer back to his past suggestions when they work here or somewhere else. That's what Hysteriotti does - he ignores his own stupid comments and hangs on like a pitbull on the isolated occasions when his babbling accidentally makes sense. He's got 20/20 hindsight and zero insight. Once again, in closing, Jay Mariotti is a f***TARD.

of the PAST??? I think King Richard is doing his level best to continue the legacy of the monarchy...

When they put in RICK WHITE FLAG, the game is over!!! ...and not in a good way...

not more useless than the masturbation thread but useless nonetheless. however, there's a lot of stuff that pisses me off, but i have learned to internalize it and some day i plan on exploding in a fit of rage, leaving much carnage in my wake. Careful, Spiff, that s*** usually doesn't make you explode, it just gives you ulcers and makes it tough to eat Mexican food. Trust me, it's more helpful to spew on a message board than to give yourself an ulcer!

I love the name, and I don't even know the story, Maury! I'll try to tune in when I get home tonight - I can't imagine HOW any play-by-play will happen with a whole room full of people talking at the same time!

I saw all the patches at the "gift shop" in US Cellular Field, so you can get them there for sure. Haven't seen them at any of the chain stores ( SportMart, Sports Authority, etc ), but I'd bet they're available somewhere on the Internet and at some of the neighborhood stores around the ballpark. Hope that helps.

Yeah, DAMMIT, I am a Critic and I get pissed! C'mon, Spiff, don'tcha ever get mad at anything??? ...and that's why it's on the Off Topic Board... ...couldn't have been more useless than the masturbation thread I saw a while back....

I was just flipping channels and I saw some of Friday Night Fights on ESPN2. Max Kellerman was showing some highlights of some Junior Ballsackweight somethingorother getting the f*** beat out of him, and Max is asking the viewers, "You like watching this?? You LIKE THIS? Then you're sick, because this is brutal! You're SICK if you like this!" WHAT THE f***, Max?? I'm going to pretend for a minute that imbecile Kellerman is reading this. Indulge me for a moment, please... TWO THINGS, MAX: ONE - Why do you think people watch boxing?? What do you think boxing IS??? It's the art of one guy beating the s*** out of another!! THE ENTIRE POINT of watching boxing is to see someone get their ass WHIPPED!! Who the f*** are you to tell someone they're sick for watching someone get beat down in a BOXING MATCH??? TWO - and this is VERY important, Max - if you don't want us savages to watch that carnage....DON'T!!! f***ING!!! SHOW IT!!!!! DIPs***!!! I did not see that match until YOU showed it to me!!! Who's the savage? The guy who happens to see a pummeling while flipping channels, or the guys who (1) save the videotape of the beating, (2) have a production meeting to decide the date and time to air the beating, and (3) do f***ing ANALYSIS of the beating on a national television broadcast??? So in closing....f*** OFF Max Kellerman!! You f***ing hypocrite! You make your living off of that exact kind of beating, you f***ing retard!!! :fyou ....ahhhhhhhhhhh.....that's better......

I was actually imagining some down-home hokey bulls*** like "Go GET 'em, 51, c'mon!" UGH...

also, every time Harrellson says it "ee CHEER o", I mumble "huh REHL son" to myself. If Ichiro was on the Sox, he'd probably call him 51 or some s***...I really don't like huh REHL son..."chopper two-hopper"...kiss my ass...

I say it "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEcheero"!!!

I just want to hear you bust on Maury while on air. Plus the voices are fun to. Haha, I never do get tired of popping off at our friend MauryPinStripes!! I promise I will make at least a couple of broadcasts - I love to bring out the voices in my head too! "Ay con' weigh toe bee dere - joo Sauce On Row guise have boasted my bowls for too lawn! All Ay try too doo eez heet hon ron an' may my fan 'oppy on dee Nor' Sigh of Cheekahgo!!"

Killa, that is the absolute BEST description of the Buffett Experience that I have ever heard. My wife went to his show once, and she told me that people were pissing and f***ing along the back wall of the Tweeter Center ( the World Music Theatre at that time ), right there in their Hawaiian Shirts, s***-faced drunk out of their minds. Now, these are not drug-addled young'uns at OzzFest doing this, no no NO - these are respectable pillars of society, and our community leaders as well! I may be approaching 40, but there's no way in hell I'll ever be caught dead at a Buffett show. I'm sorry, but I just don't get the appeal.

I didn't know I was notorious! I thought I was just a borderline lurker!! I'll definitely make it to a broadcast this season! I gotta get some of that PBR that Maury provides for his on-air guests!!