Engagement Rings

[greg775]

Good job, Shack. Big time in your life I'm sure.

[iamshack]

Thanks everyone! It's been quite a wild few months...

[farmteam]

That's awesome!

 

New house, new car, now a fiancee...don't know how anything could top that for you!

[Brian]

A girl I work with got married this weekend, at age 20. She's a nice girl and hope it works, but I can't imagine being married at 20.

[Jenksismyhero]

A girl I work with got married this weekend, at age 20. She's a nice girl and hope it works, but I can't imagine being married at 20.

 

Eh, I think it works for some people. Just depends on her personality (i.e., maturity). My wife and I have been together since we were 20. Living together 95% of the time since 21. We didn't get married until we were 28, but that only made it official. We were living as if we were (got animals together, furniture together, etc.) that entire time.

[IlliniKrush]

Eh, I think it works for some people. Just depends on her personality (i.e., maturity). My wife and I have been together since we were 20. Living together 95% of the time since 21. We didn't get married until we were 28, but that only made it official. We were living as if we were (got animals together, furniture together, etc.) that entire time.

But that's exactly it. It was a nice trial run for you. What's the rush to get married? You had a lot easier out at that point before that time came at 28.

 

Marrying at 20 is silly...someone can think they are mature, but as we all know, you really aren't, there's so much more to learn and a lot of room to grow. I'm sure you can attest to that.

 

I have to imagine the divorce rate for those married at age 20 is a lot higher than it is for those married at 28. Maybe I'm wrong.

[iamshack]

Eh, I think it works for some people. Just depends on her personality (i.e., maturity). My wife and I have been together since we were 20. Living together 95% of the time since 21. We didn't get married until we were 28, but that only made it official. We were living as if we were (got animals together, furniture together, etc.) that entire time.

I was having a similar discussion with the fiancee last night. She was asking me when I wanted to actually get married, and I said, honestly, to me, it comes down to how much it is going to cost, because we may as well be married already. We bought a house together, and all the crap that goes along with that...now it's just a formality

 

 

[iamshack]

But that's exactly it. It was a nice trial run for you. What's the rush to get married? You had a lot easier out at that point before that time came at 28.

 

Marrying at 20 is silly...someone can think they are mature, but as we all know, you really aren't, there's so much more to learn and a lot of room to grow. I'm sure you can attest to that.

 

I have to imagine the divorce rate for those married at age 20 is a lot higher than it is for those married at 28. Maybe I'm wrong.

I am 36 now, and have several friends that got married young...one couple is still super happy and acts the same way they did the day they got married; a few others are separated now and have been miserable for years; yet a few others seem to really be going through the motions to me.

 

I think generally, people do not know who they are yet at 20...and if you are still learning about yourself, it's very difficult (IMHO) to know who it is that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

[Jenksismyhero]

But that's exactly it. It was a nice trial run for you. What's the rush to get married? You had a lot easier out at that point before that time came at 28.

 

Marrying at 20 is silly...someone can think they are mature, but as we all know, you really aren't, there's so much more to learn and a lot of room to grow. I'm sure you can attest to that.

 

I have to imagine the divorce rate for those married at age 20 is a lot higher than it is for those married at 28. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

I agree there's no reason to rush, but the reasoning that you have an easy out just isn't true. Sure, it's more complex if you have a house and some kids, but even at 22 we were living together with "marital property" and "kids" (pets) that would need to be split up. It would have been a divorce without the paperwork.

 

Being all of 31 and seeing how a variety of my friends grew up and now act as adults with their wives/ex-wives, I'm convinced that people who grow up in a non-nuclear family grow up with a different mindset on marriage and what it entails. When you have parents who have been together for 40 years divorce seems like the last possible option, whereas if you're exposed to it and lived through it it becomes a more attractive option. I just had a buddy who cheated on his wife shortly after they got separated and were trying to work things out. He had no patience. He just flipped a switch one day and said it was over so he could bang another girl. And I think a lot of that was living through a divorce himself at a really young age.

 

My wife and I were lucky that both of are parents have been married forever and still like being around each other. She and I have both changed over the years but we both realize that our marriage and family are the most important things, not what she and I might get out of it personally. You have to sacrifice. You have to work at it. You have to want to work at it. I feel like with each passing generation "marriage" is just being degraded into something you do to appease your family/society so that it looks ok when you want to live with someone else. And that's sad.

[cabiness42]

Being all of 31 and seeing how a variety of my friends grew up and now act as adults with their wives/ex-wives, I'm convinced that people who grow up in a non-nuclear family grow up with a different mindset on marriage and what it entails. When you have parents who have been together for 40 years divorce seems like the last possible option, whereas if you're exposed to it and lived through it it becomes a more attractive option.

 

I think it's exactly the opposite. Both my parents and my wife's parents are divorced and re-married and we both hated how difficult the holidays became with two sets of parents and now really hate how difficult they are with four sets of parents. We are very determined that we are not going to put our kids into the same situation.

[IlliniKrush]

I agree there's no reason to rush, but the reasoning that you have an easy out just isn't true. Sure, it's more complex if you have a house and some kids, but even at 22 we were living together with "marital property" and "kids" (pets) that would need to be split up. It would have been a divorce without the paperwork.

 

Being all of 31 and seeing how a variety of my friends grew up and now act as adults with their wives/ex-wives, I'm convinced that people who grow up in a non-nuclear family grow up with a different mindset on marriage and what it entails. When you have parents who have been together for 40 years divorce seems like the last possible option, whereas if you're exposed to it and lived through it it becomes a more attractive option. I just had a buddy who cheated on his wife shortly after they got separated and were trying to work things out. He had no patience. He just flipped a switch one day and said it was over so he could bang another girl. And I think a lot of that was living through a divorce himself at a really young age.

 

My wife and I were lucky that both of are parents have been married forever and still like being around each other. She and I have both changed over the years but we both realize that our marriage and family are the most important things, not what she and I might get out of it personally. You have to sacrifice. You have to work at it. You have to want to work at it. I feel like with each passing generation "marriage" is just being degraded into something you do to appease your family/society so that it looks ok when you want to live with someone else. And that's sad.

Maybe not in your case since you had property or whatever, but it absolutely is a trial run before it's the real thing for the vast majority of people at 20 or 22.

 

I think it's exactly the opposite. Both my parents and my wife's parents are divorced and re-married and we both hated how difficult the holidays became with two sets of parents and now really hate how difficult they are with four sets of parents. We are very determined that we are not going to put our kids into the same situation.

I agree with this. My wife's from a divorced family, and she says the same thing all the time.

[Jenksismyhero]

Maybe not in your case since you had property or whatever, but it absolutely is a trial run before it's the real thing for the vast majority of people at 20 or 22.

 

 

I agree with this. My wife's from a divorced family, and she says the same thing all the time.

 

I get what you're saying re: the trial run. I'm just saying that for all practical purposes you are married, even if you don't have the official designation. I'm not talking about someone you're dating for 2-3 years but don't live with. If you make the decision to live with someone you're sharing living expenses, you're doing separate chores, you're shopping for food together, you might start buying personal property together, you might get pets, etc etc. You're defacto married during that trial run without realizing it because you haven't take the extra step of spending a s*** ton of money on a ring and a party.

 

Edit: and this is a big reason why a lot of states had/have common law marriage.

 

And that makes sense about not wanting to subject your kids to a divorce. I guess I was thinking more of the 25-35 year old crowd that doesn't have kids yet (i.e., my friends/family that have gone through it).

Edited June 24, 2013 by Jenksismybitch

[cabiness42]

And that makes sense about not wanting to subject your kids to a divorce. I guess I was thinking more of the 25-35 year old crowd that doesn't have kids yet (i.e., my friends/family that have gone through it).

 

Oh, if there are no kids yet, then I think divorce is more of an option, but once you have kids, getting divorced for any reason other than abuse (physical and/or emotional) or serial adultery is very selfish.

[farmteam]

Oh, if there are no kids yet, then I think divorce is more of an option, but once you have kids, getting divorced for any reason other than abuse (physical and/or emotional) or serial adultery is very selfish.

I'm not sure how I would handle this because I've never had to, but I think some might quibble with the "serial" qualifier.

[iamshack]

I'm not sure how I would handle this because I've never had to, but I think some might quibble with the "serial" qualifier.

Hah, yeah, that stuck out to me...I think once is pretty much enough.

 

I get the not wanting to screw over your kids thing, but I am of the opinion that life is too short to go through it being miserable. That's not to say you cash in your chips at the first sign of adversity; if that's your deal, you shouldn't get married. But if you think you have to be unhappy for your entire life because you don't want your kids to be exposed to divorce, that begs the question "are they really going to be better off with parents that are miserable all the time"?

[Jenksismyhero]

I'm still amazed at how people get together, date for years and years, and never talk about relatively basic "wants" in life. I have a buddy who's been with this girl for about 7 years now. They're married under the common law in Colorado. He just found out she has zero desire to ever have kids. Not like "maybe later," but never. He, on the other hand, would like to have kids and is pretty bummed about it. And he's in his mid-30's, so he has to make a move relatively soon (if at all). I can't do it now since I have a one year old, but if I were back in the dating scene I would have to think that would be a topic of conversation in the first few dates. Right? How do you go that many years without it being discussed?

[cabiness42]

I'm still amazed at how people get together, date for years and years, and never talk about relatively basic "wants" in life. I have a buddy who's been with this girl for about 7 years now. They're married under the common law in Colorado. He just found out she has zero desire to ever have kids. Not like "maybe later," but never. He, on the other hand, would like to have kids and is pretty bummed about it. And he's in his mid-30's, so he has to make a move relatively soon (if at all). I can't do it now since I have a one year old, but if I were back in the dating scene I would have to think that would be a topic of conversation in the first few dates. Right? How do you go that many years without it being discussed?

 

Yes, kids are one of the must-discuss topic early on in a relationship. As an "big-boned" guy, I did not have the easiest time finding dates in my 20s, so it took a lot of discipline to be the one to end a relationship, but aside from not wanting kids, these are a few comments from dates that caused me never to call back:

 

"I'm not willing to live farther than 30 miles away from my parents' house in Grayslake at least until they die"

 

"I'm not willing to ever drive anywhere that is more than a 4-hour drive"

 

"I'm a Cubs fan"

 

[RockRaines]

But that's exactly it. It was a nice trial run for you. What's the rush to get married? You had a lot easier out at that point before that time came at 28.

 

Marrying at 20 is silly...someone can think they are mature, but as we all know, you really aren't, there's so much more to learn and a lot of room to grow. I'm sure you can attest to that.

 

I have to imagine the divorce rate for those married at age 20 is a lot higher than it is for those married at 28. Maybe I'm wrong.

The difference between me at 20 and me at 30 is HUGE. I also had total opposite taste in women.

[IlliniKrush]

I'm still amazed at how people get together, date for years and years, and never talk about relatively basic "wants" in life. I have a buddy who's been with this girl for about 7 years now. They're married under the common law in Colorado. He just found out she has zero desire to ever have kids. Not like "maybe later," but never. He, on the other hand, would like to have kids and is pretty bummed about it. And he's in his mid-30's, so he has to make a move relatively soon (if at all). I can't do it now since I have a one year old, but if I were back in the dating scene I would have to think that would be a topic of conversation in the first few dates. Right? How do you go that many years without it being discussed?

Yeah, that seems crazy. You don't have to talk about kids on your 2nd date...but as it gets serious and you see the relationship going somewhere, those things should start to creep into conversation.

[BigHurt3515]

But that's exactly it. It was a nice trial run for you. What's the rush to get married? You had a lot easier out at that point before that time came at 28.

 

Marrying at 20 is silly...someone can think they are mature, but as we all know, you really aren't, there's so much more to learn and a lot of room to grow. I'm sure you can attest to that.

 

I have to imagine the divorce rate for those married at age 20 is a lot higher than it is for those married at 28. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

I am 20 years old right now and I am living with my girlfriend that I have been with for a little over 2 years and we have a dog that we adopted. No doubt I want to marry her but we both agree that it needs to wait until after we both graduate college. It isn't for everyone that is for sure.

[Steve9347]

It went great. Came home with the car, she was all oogling over it and wanted to sit in the driver's seat and had this big smile on her face. I got down on a knee and said my little spiel. She was totally surprised, and very, very happy. We went out last night and celebrated with some friends of ours and had a great evening.

 

Thanks for asking!

Congrats!

[southsider2k5]

Yes, kids are one of the must-discuss topic early on in a relationship. As an "big-boned" guy, I did not have the easiest time finding dates in my 20s, so it took a lot of discipline to be the one to end a relationship, but aside from not wanting kids, these are a few comments from dates that caused me never to call back:

 

"I'm not willing to live farther than 30 miles away from my parents' house in Grayslake at least until they die"

 

"I'm not willing to ever drive anywhere that is more than a 4-hour drive"

 

"I'm a Cubs fan"

 

Nicely done.

[iamshack]

Nicely done.

The fiancee is a Wahoos fan...all I hear about is the glory days of the mid-to-late '90's...and then I remind her that they won...nothing

[iamshack]

So we're thinking of having the wedding at the house in the spring of next year...i HATE weddings, especially really formal weddings. I want it to be really casual, but not disrespectful, I guess...anyone think doing a few food trucks for the catering would be cool?

[farmteam]

So we're thinking of having the wedding at the house in the spring of next year...i HATE weddings, especially really formal weddings. I want it to be really casual, but not disrespectful, I guess...anyone think doing a few food trucks for the catering would be cool?

That would be a really neat idea if done well. I have no idea how to do it well though, hah!

 

At my brother's wedding, the open bar started serving an hour before the "ceremony" started (the ceremony was in the same room as the reception; the ceremony was literally less than five minutes and not religious). That was pretty cool.