iamshack Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (Soxbadger @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 09:30 AM) I wouldnt right then. She's not even done with HS let alone college. I feel like if someone was in college and wanted to date my daughter in HS they would have to have been grandfathered in (IE they were both in HS when they started dating). That being said, there is no way I am going to consider it when shes in HS and hes 25. Maybe when shes done with college I would revisit the issue. Seriously though...considering the types of guys that are out there, I think you guys are approaching this incredibly poorly. Look at Joe, and then consider your daughter dating the 19 year old college kid with a fascination with death metal and self mutilation. You're going to make that decision based on age? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigruss Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (iamshack @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 10:56 AM) Jason, I think in general, you're suspicions are probably accurate...but, you wouldn't give the person an opportunity to prove you wrong? If my hypothetical daughter was in HS and dating anyone not in HS then yes, I wouldn't give them a chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamshack Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (bigruss22 @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 09:35 AM) If my hypothetical daughter was in HS and dating anyone not in HS then yes, I wouldn't give them a chance. Well you guys are a bunch of lame parents Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chisoxfn Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (iamshack @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 08:56 AM) Jason, I think in general, you're suspicions are probably accurate...but, you wouldn't give the person an opportunity to prove you wrong? No. I'm just being honest. If they were 21 and there was a legitimate reason for them to have connected, etc, I might give the benefit of the doubt, but my overall advice would still be that are you age you are too young for a long-term relationship and he is too old. Whether she listens to me or not is another story, but 26 vs. 18 is a huge huge difference and not something I could ever support (not in this day and age). I suppose if my daughter was some super smart person and created her own company and was super successful at 18 and met some 26 year old through this and both were already into their professional lives, than I could get into it. But reality is that is extremely unlikely and in Chili's case that isn't the equation. This is a girl in high school, who it sounds like has issues with her parents, and presumably is rebelling, etc. While she might be rebelling, I stand by my conclusion that my view is a 26 year old picking up an 18 year old in high school is a creep and probably desperate. If you are co-workers and friends, no harm talking, etc, but that is it, that should be the extent. And yes, I think at 26 you have more of a moral responsibility to stay out of that situation (and should know better). Whether people want to agree with me or not, that is up to everyone else, but that is where I stand. I can say with 1000% certainty that 26 year old Chisoxfn would never in a million years contemplate such a thing and that I'd have let any of my friends know (and I have a group of close friends that are family in my eyes) that I under zero circumstances support it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chisoxfn Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (Soxbadger @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 09:30 AM) I wouldnt right then. She's not even done with HS let alone college. I feel like if someone was in college and wanted to date my daughter in HS they would have to have been grandfathered in (IE they were both in HS when they started dating). That being said, there is no way I am going to consider it when shes in HS and hes 25. Maybe when shes done with college I would revisit the issue. Good post and I agree. If they dated and new each other in school or were close friends and grew up with each other and one was in high school and the other in college, I'd be okay with it. Now reality is how daddy chisoxfn cares isn't going to matter and I can only hope our parenting and her life experience gives her the right head and frame of mind to make statements like I'm making when she is 18. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chisoxfn Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (iamshack @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 09:34 AM) Seriously though...considering the types of guys that are out there, I think you guys are approaching this incredibly poorly. Look at Joe, and then consider your daughter dating the 19 year old college kid with a fascination with death metal and self mutilation. You're going to make that decision based on age? Who said I'd be okay with that. I'm just putting a 26 year old right there with dating an 18 year old cokehead. Any one of them would be unacceptable in my eyes. Reality is no one is perfect, but as a dad, I'll do everything I can to instill a solid moral compass in her and ultimately hope that based upon what we've taught her, what she has experienced, etc, she'll understand and know the rights and wrongs and make the right choices (especially the more important right choices). Please note, I understand mistakes would be made, I just hope they are the small mistakes, not the BIG ones. My general goals for my kids are to be healthy, be happy, work hard, treat people well and with respect, be kind, and don't do drugs (and ideally no tattoo's and a million piercings). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Y2HH Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 As a parent, I'd hope the lessons I taught my daughters (I have 2) would instill something in them that regardless who they're with, so long as they're being treated well and with respect, I wouldn't care about age difference, so long as both are adults (18+). I'd MUCH rather my daughters be with someone much older than them that respects them and treats them well, versus a person their own age that treats them like s*** and abuses them, mentally or otherwise. And I believe this applies here, too. She's 18 years old, a legal adult, and if he's treating her well, I don't see an issue -- would you rather her be with another 18 year old that beats the s*** out of her simply because they're the same age? No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigruss Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 I don't think anyone here is saying an abusive 18 yr old is better than a mature and perfectly fine 25 yr old. That said, I have other reasons for the age difference. I would want my daughter to not feel limited in her choices after high school, and while a similar aged boyfriend can limit that I think there would be a much bigger chance in an older boyfriend limiting her more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chisoxfn Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (bigruss22 @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 10:17 AM) I don't think anyone here is saying an abusive 18 yr old is better than a mature and perfectly fine 25 yr old. That said, I have other reasons for the age difference. I would want my daughter to not feel limited in her choices after high school, and while a similar aged boyfriend can limit that I think there would be a much bigger chance in an older boyfriend limiting her more. I completely agree. I will caveat everything by, more than anything I want my daughter to be happy, but I think isolating yourself from other people that age, which ultimately would happen dating some far older than you (and I look at age more from a professional level...once you are a working professional, the appropriate GAP widens significantly in my eyes). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Y2HH Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (bigruss22 @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 12:17 PM) I don't think anyone here is saying an abusive 18 yr old is better than a mature and perfectly fine 25 yr old. That said, I have other reasons for the age difference. I would want my daughter to not feel limited in her choices after high school, and while a similar aged boyfriend can limit that I think there would be a much bigger chance in an older boyfriend limiting her more. If they're being limited by the other person, that would fall into the "treating them well" category. Just because one is older doesn't mean they should be limiting them or forcing them into life changes they don't want to make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soxbadger Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (iamshack @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 11:34 AM) Seriously though...considering the types of guys that are out there, I think you guys are approaching this incredibly poorly. Look at Joe, and then consider your daughter dating the 19 year old college kid with a fascination with death metal and self mutilation. You're going to make that decision based on age? Age is just 1 of many reasons why I would not approve. Ultimately it would be her choice, I just would hope by the time that she is 17, I have earned enough trust that she will believe me when I suggest that she not make the choice to date those people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamshack Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (Soxbadger @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 10:24 AM) Age is just 1 of many reasons why I would not approve. Ultimately it would be her choice, I just would hope by the time that she is 17, I have earned enough trust that she will believe me when I suggest that she not make the choice to date those people. I'm sure she would hope she has earned enough trust for you to allow her to make her own adult decisions (and by their nature, her own adult mistakes). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soxbadger Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (iamshack @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 12:54 PM) I'm sure she would hope she has earned enough trust for you to allow her to make her own adult decisions (and by their nature, her own adult mistakes). Like I said its her decision. But, just because she is 17 (or even 18) doesnt mean that she will make the best decisions. Mistakes are fine, everyone makes them and people hopefully learn from them. But at the same time, there has to be some rational argument as to why there was some value in making a decision that could be later classified as a mistake. Its one thing signing up to take guitar lessons to find out you dont really like guitar, its another to go out with a 25 year old. She is too young to understand, but I joke with her and tell her, throwing a temper tantrum will never get me to change my mind, if anything it will just cement my decision. But if she makes a compelling argument I just may reconsider. I just dont really see what the great argument would be for a HS girl dating someone who is 25. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg775 Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (Chisoxfn @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 05:51 PM) Yeah...no...hell no. I am an open minded person but I'm making the claim right now, under zero circumstances would I have an open mind. None. My only reaction would be that this guy is some looser that has had to stoop to this level to try and pick up a girl. Some might disagree with me and I hope to hell I never am put in this situation by my daughter but that is the reality and I'm just telling it like I see it and that is what I'd tell my daughter and I'd obviously probably at this point already be in trouble with my daughter (because she got to this point). Note: Chili, I'm not calling you out, you asked what people's opinions were and I'm just being straight with no filter. A dad really can't have an open mind in this situation for one reason -- she's in high school. Society says no way Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Y2HH Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 QUOTE (greg775 @ Feb 23, 2016 -> 01:29 PM) A dad really can't have an open mind in this situation for one reason -- she's in high school. Society says no way That's like saying Doogie Hawser was in college, so it's perfectly fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iwritecode Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 HS age doesn't always match up anyway. I could have started my first year of college when I was 17. Since I graduated HS in June and my birthday isn't until October. I also know a few people that were still in HS until they were 20. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiliIrishHammock24 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 I know I haven't checked this thread in a couple days, but I promise I haven't had a birthday yet! I'm still 25, not 26 as I have seen a few times back and forth. So we hung out again tonight. I found out why she said I may not get to meet her parents. She has had a really really rough childhood. Besides the fact that she has 2 jobs in addition to school and works 65 hours a week during the summers, she told me another reason why she has had to grow up so fast and mature as much as she has. Without getting TOO specific, her dad is abusive. Abusive to her and her sisters, especially one of her sisters who on Mother's Day he apparently "beat the s*** out of" and "choked her out at the dinner table" when she told her mom to shut up. At which point my friend took her little siblings upstairs and locked the room to protect them. I can't believe she told me all these stories and other terrible family stories tonight without crying, but she said those moments pretty much stripped her of the carefree childhood life and caused her to grow up and essentially live without any connection to her parents, other than living in the same house, and working at her father's business for one of her 2 jobs. She said she pays all her own bills and plans to move out as soon as she graduates to put herself through college and start her own vet clinic eventually. So yeah....she's had quite the rough life so far and maybe this will kind of help you guys believe me when I say you would never know she is 18 by the way she acts or talks. Unfortunately shes had to grow up because of traumatic family events and self-preservation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiliIrishHammock24 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 QUOTE (Tony @ Feb 24, 2016 -> 09:59 AM) Run. As fast as you can. Yeah, no thank you. I'm not heartless enough to dismiss her as damaged goods because she had a rough home life. That's not fair to her at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyyle23 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Good luck playing the savior role. Been there, wasn't worth it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrangeSox Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 I think in a scenario like that, you also need to be extra cautious about potentially taking advantage of the situation. I don't just mean deliberately, but like KyYlE said, you're probably going to be put into the "savior" role whether you want it or not. If you're her escape from a legitimately abusive family situation, that gives you a lot of power in the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg775 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Tony is a wise man. Heed his advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RockRaines Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 QUOTE (Chilihead90 @ Feb 24, 2016 -> 11:32 AM) Yeah, no thank you. I'm not heartless enough to dismiss her as damaged goods because she had a rough home life. That's not fair to her at all. Its playing the extremely bad odds though, its not going to end well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shipps Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Studies would suggest that girls who had absent or abusive fathers tend to seek relationships with older men for the approval they never got from their real dads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamshack Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 QUOTE (Tony @ Feb 24, 2016 -> 02:31 PM) You want to be a "good guy" and a "friend" to her, that's whatever. You do what you think best. But as a 25 year old man, getting romantically involved with a high school student who has father issues raises like 100 red flags. It will not end well, listen to those in this thread that have some years on you. You're going down a road that is quite bumpy, and when you get to that final destination, you aren't going to like what you found. He's going to do what he wants to do, so let's stop pretending like telling someone what to do is at all helpful. All we can do is provide him what experience and advice we do have and hope that that will guide him moving forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southsider2k5 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 QUOTE (iamshack @ Feb 24, 2016 -> 04:44 PM) He's going to do what he wants to do, so let's stop pretending like telling someone what to do is at all helpful. All we can do is provide him what experience and advice we do have and hope that that will guide him moving forward. I mean it isn't like he posted in a thread asking for relationship advice or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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