2013 Films Thread

[Brian]

UNDEFEATED is the best sports documentary since HOOP DREAMS.

[Jake]

UNDEFEATED is the best sports documentary since HOOP DREAMS.

 

It's great. I don't live too far from there.

[HuskyCaucasian]

J.J. Abrams is directing the next 'Star Wars' film!!!!!

[Kyyle23]

Nerds will war. This will be catastrophic.

 

 

(Very excited Abrams is doing it)

[GoSox05]

JJ Abram is pretty good pick. He has done a nice job with the Star Trek franchise, so far.

[BigSqwert]

How can anyone complain about Abrams directing this series after the absolute drivel Lucas produced in the last 3 films? Heck, Woody Allen would be an upgrade.

[Steve9347]

J.J. Abrams is directing the next 'Star Wars' film!!!!!

Wow.

[Reddy]

Why does Joss Whedon get NO love? He's obviously brilliant and has a massive following

[Leonard Zelig]

Why does Joss Whedon get NO love? He's obviously brilliant and has a massive following

Can a person have a massive following and get NO love?

[Jake]

Can a person have a massive following and get NO love?

 

lol

[Quin]

Joss Whedon can keep the Avengers and SHIELD. As long as he does the Marvel movies I'm happy.

[whitesoxfan99]

Why does Joss Whedon get NO love? He's obviously brilliant and has a massive following

 

If he wasn't directing the Avengers 2 for Disney in 2015 he probably would have been one of the top candidates for Star Wars VII. Also, Disney is going to be rolling in cash that year. Avengers 2 and Star Wars VII in the same year.

[Balta1701]

In terms of Star Trek, I'm wondering if this isn't a hopeful thing. My recollection is that everyone signed a 2 movie deal. Most of the cast, save Uhura, won't be hugely more expensive than they were in 2008. Zoe Saldana's gone up a lot, Pine a little, the rest are sorta the same...but Abrams's profile seems like it has exploded since 08 when those deals were signed, all things considered. Bringing in a new director might allow them to sign additional film contracts without having it be prohibitively expensive.

[BigSqwert]

Granted it's only at 7 reviews but Movie 43 has a 0% on rotten tomatoes. That movie looks dreadful.

[HuskyCaucasian]

Nerds will war. This will be catastrophic.

 

 

(Very excited Abrams is doing it)

Actually, it might bring peace to the force... i mean rivalry.

[StrangeSox]

How can anyone complain about Abrams directing this series after the absolute drivel Lucas produced in the last 3 films? Heck, Woody Allen would be an upgrade.

Because Abrams is kinda s***?

[BigSqwert]

Because Abrams is kinda s***?

The Abrams Star Trek film is exponentially better than any of the last 3 Lucas directed films. *shrugs*

[caulfield12]

If you mashed-up the worst parts of the infamous Howard the Duck, Gigli, Ishtar and every other awful movie I've seen since I started reviewing professionally in 1981, it wouldn't begin to approach the sheer soul-sucking badness of [Movie 43].

 

Reading the synopsis quotes at Rottentomatoes.com is more fun that watching the movie itself, apparently.

 

 

[TaylorStSox]

The Abrams Star Trek film is exponentially better than any of the last 3 Lucas directed films. *shrugs*

That's not what it's about though. They're completely different kinds of films. I was really hoping they'd go all art house and find a director that could recapture the sterility, subtlety and mysticism that made the ANH and Empire so great.

[Kyyle23]

Because Abrams is kinda s***?

 

I like him. I enjoyed Star Trek, Super 8 and Cloverfield. I think he will hold the proper reverance for a project like this

[Brian]

I like him. I enjoyed Star Trek, Super 8 and Cloverfield. I think he will hold the proper reverance for a project like this

 

Abrams being able to successfully reboot Star Trek should give Star Wars fanboys hope.

 

I was personally disappointed in Super 8 and Clovervield.

[BigSqwert]

That's not what it's about though. They're completely different kinds of films. I was really hoping they'd go all art house and find a director that could recapture the sterility, subtlety and mysticism that made the ANH and Empire so great.

Disney and art house don't go together. They're trying to please the mainstream masses. You were never going to get a Nolan or Aronofsky.

Edited January 26, 2013 by BigSqwert

[StrangeSox]

The Abrams Star Trek film is exponentially better than any of the last 3 Lucas directed films. *shrugs*

 

Maybe so, but the choice isn't Lucas or Abrams

 

edit but at least it's not Michael Bay

 

OK, so once upon a time a yellow star somehow went supernova (with less than a year's early warning) and thereby somehow threatened the galaxy. Since a black hole would somehow prevent a supernova from somehow vaporizing a planet light years away, the Federation responds by sending a single officer (a senior ambassador, in fact) in a single ship containing enough magical red goo to produce about a trillion black holes*.

 

Spock creates the black hole a bit too late, Romulus is destroyed** and, since the Romulans had no colonies outside their solar system, only a handful of Romulans survive, including the crew of a mining vessel. Said crew and their ship are hurled more than a century back in time via the black hole and, instead of using their crazy future tech and more than a century of foreknowledge to effortlessly save or at least evacuate Romulus, swear revenge against Spock for just barely failing to carry out his selfless plan to save their world while they sat on their asses doing absolutely nothing.

 

More specifically, they vow to make Spock watch as they destroy each and every Federation planet with their futuretastic mining vessel, since a civilian craft from the 24th century is more than a match for any 23rd century Federation starship, and all they have to do is wait what turns out to be 25 years for Spock to arrive back in time so they can capture him and his black hole gloop. At no point do they consider making contact with the Romulan Star Empire, despite the fact that said empire could probably incorporate their tech into a whole fleet of actual warships and effortlessly subjugate the quadrant. Also they kill Kirk's dad, because the autopilot on his ship broke and he had to manually sit there and push buttons to make his ship shoot the Romulans and then ram them and it was very heroic and moving and also the Star Trek logo was there but the theme music was wrong.

 

So then young Kirk does some stupid stuff I try to forget, and I think they won't let him into Starfleet Academy because he's black and it's the '70s, or they want him to join but he doesn't because he's a loose cannon in a world gone mad, but then he sees them building the Enterprise on the planet's surface somehow, so he joins the academy and they get a distress signal from Vulcan. I mean, the whole planet just kinda sends out "distress" with next to no further info, so naturally they send all the ships in the solar system, but since pretty much their entire fleet is off fighting Klingons they staff them all with cadets so that the Federation's flagship ends up with, like, three officers on it, and one of them spends the whole time manning the helm and having sword fights.

 

So the entire fleet just kind of blindly warps to Vulcan, which has sent out nothing since that first vague distress signal, but Sulu messes up and the Enterprise lags behind and Kirk hears that the distress signal mentioned "something like a lightning storm in space", like the one that was detected when the Romulans killed his dad. It's not TNG yet so they didn't bother analyzing the ship's logs and learning more about the phenomenon than "it's like a lightning storm in space", but it's kinda TNG in that the Federation apparently doesn't keep records of stuff they've encountered before, and the only person who makes the connection wasn't even born when the first lightning storm hit space.

 

So Kirk gets in Captain Pike's face and it turns out that Pike wrote a book about the encounter that killed Kirk's dad but he must've focused on the artistic aspects because Kirk has to go ballistic before Pike agrees to raise shields, since Federation policy on responding to ambiguous distress signals from major planets is to warp their entire sector fleet in blindly and with shields down.

 

More stuff happens and Pike leaves the bridge and puts Spock in charge and makes Kirk second in command, and Kirk isn't even supposed to be there because he's on academic suspension and there's a perfectly good officer manning the helm but it's OK because he's Kirk.

 

So anyway the Romulans are drilling a hole to Vulcan's core because the very idea of destroying a planet by creating a black hole on its surface is just absurd, so the Enterprise crew does some stuff which is pretty cool and I guess kinda plausible because I'm pretty sure the Romulan ship was in Vulcan's upper atmosphere though you'd think the Federation would have something a bit more high-tech than parachutes to keep their redshirts out of the path of huge orange beams that can drill down to a planet's core, or at least have parachutes that can handle the momentum of two people at terminal velocity a few inches above a fairly Earthish planet's surface, but the point is the drill turns out to be incredibly fragile and I guess the Enterprise could just vaporize it with their phasers but I guess you get more XP for capturing it intact, or something, but they fail and Vulcan is destroyed and so is Spock's mom and, since the Vulcan's had no colonies outside their home planet, only a handful of Vulcans survive.

 

So anyway Kirk is a dick and Spock maroons him on a planet half a light second from Vulcan. Since it's so isolated, it only has one Federation outpost with, like, three people in it, plus these big red things with weird hunting habits and Future Spock. So Kirk hides in what's probably the only cave on the planet, because Future Spock is already in there, burning snow, or something, then more stuff happens and we find out the Enterprise is steam powered and the water has to go through this huge tangle of pipes to purge it of water memory, or whatever.

 

So then some more stuff happens and the Enterprise hides behind Titan or something because there's no way a futureship that can drill to a rocky planet's core in minutes could have better sensors than the Enterprise, and Scotty beams Kirk to the Romulan ship, but he messes it up because the Romulans have these crazy design policies where they don't put a starship's bridge in a little pod on the outermost part of the ship, and then Spock rams the Romulan futureship with his futureship because what matters is destroying the Romulans and taking half a second to maybe jettison a USB memory stick with just a bit of those hundred-and-some years of scientific progress and galactic exploration before destroying both ships would take all the fun out of the war with the Klingons.

 

So the entire vat of black hole gloop combines to produce the smallest black hole in the movie, and its a special black hole because it just kinda hangs around in the middle of the Romulan ship, bisecting all its decks but pretty much doing nothing else, so Kirk fires phasers and stuff at the Romulan ship just in case, then they hang around some more talking about what a wild weekend it's been, then Chekov puts on his Best of Kool & The Gang album and a redshirt chokes on a cocktail shrimp, then Sulu is all like "HOLY s*** WE'RE BEING SUCKED INTO THAT BLACK HOLE THAT'S BEEN FIVE FEET AWAY FROM US THIS WHOLE TIME" and everyone is astonished because they're all future people who are immune to tidal forces, but it turns out the ship's hull isn't, or maybe it is because this is a seriously badass black hole and even though they're not actually at the event horizon*** they need to go even faster than lightspeed to get away from it, but Scotty turns the warp factor up to eleven and they do and no one mentions maybe trying to replicate that crazy black hole time travel thing and prevent Vulcan from being destroyed and Spock and Future Spock have a Moment and then Future Spock goes off to breed.

 

The End

 

* In all fairness, I guess it could've been enough for just one supernova-halting black hole, and a trillion planet-devouring ones. And I suppose Spock's mission could've been to protect a bunch of solar systems from the inexplicably destructive supernova, not to stop it entirely.

 

** Remus is not mentioned. This is a good thing.

 

*** The event horizon is a powerful energy field surrounding a singularity. Think of it like this: you're sitting at the bottom of a pond, which is frozen over, and you look up at the surface and you see a reflection of yourself. Like putting too much air in a balloon!

Edited January 26, 2013 by StrangeSox

[Chisoxfn]

How does Abrams get involved in so many damn projects.

[Balta1701]

Maybe so, but the choice isn't Lucas or Abrams

 

edit but at least it's not Michael Bay

OMG! A science fiction movie stretched the truth about things like time travel and physics! Panic!